


you're baby blue

by onhojongtaekey



Category: SHINee
Genre: 2minkey - Freeform, Coming Out, Fluff, Hanahaki AU, Hanahaki Disease, I promise, Jongyu, Light (very light) angst, M/M, Polyamory, Romance, good ending, though the actual disease shows up... in the 2nd part, tiffany hwang is a side character/shows up in the beginning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-04
Updated: 2018-09-02
Packaged: 2019-06-05 09:45:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 20,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15167972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onhojongtaekey/pseuds/onhojongtaekey
Summary: Ipomoea indica. Restricted love.





	1. seventeen

He’s seventeen when he realizes he’s going to die alone. Even if not alone, he acknowledges that he definitely won’t die happily.

-

“Jinki,” a soft voice sounds, “your turn. Truth or dare.”

Jinki weighs the two options, pretending as though he’s deep in thought for the suspense of it all.

“Dare,” he says, rather uncharacteristically. Everybody knew Jinki to be on more of the safe side, not taking any risks with what could potentially put him or others in harm’s way.

“Someone’s feeling bold,” a different voice, belonging to his best friend, Kibum, replied.

It was a small party, if it could even be called that, to celebrate the end of the school year. No more stress over finals, no more waking up before the sun, and no more worries as the summer months rolled in.

“So, what’s my dare?” Jinki asked, slight panicked at how long it was taking. Was he going to have to do something dangerous? He really hoped not. He didn’t want to, and he didn’t want to be weak and chicken out either.

“Hmm…” replied his classmate, Tiffany, with his fate in her hands. “I know,” she finally said, after minutes of thought, “I dare you to…”

Jinki, alongside everyone else, was on the edge of his seat.

“...kiss Kibum!” she giggled.

Jinki’s jaw hung for a minute, at least, as he sat there in stunned silence.

“T-to what who?” He sputtered out. He didn’t know if he liked boys. He didn’t think he did, anyway. He hadn’t even had his first kiss yet.

“I said I dare you to k—”

“I heard that, but why?”

“Jinki,” said Kibum, seeming as though he couldn’t be more unaffected if he tried, “I know you’re unfamiliar to the whole ‘dare’ aspect of ‘truth or dare,’ but you don’t _ask_ why you got the dare. You just, y’know, do it.” He shrugged as though it were nothing. And maybe it was nothing to him, but to Jinki? His first kiss being a _dare_?

“I—”

“Oh for Christ’s sake. Tiffany, continue the game without us, we’ll be right back.”

“But how will we know if you really did the dare?” she asked, feigning sadness.

“I’ll come back with pictures,” Kibum winked. Flirtatious as ever.

He got up, nearly dragging Jinki out of the circle of teenagers and tugging on his wrist to lead him out of the room.

“Jinki,” the younger said playfully, “why do you look so panicked?”

“A-aren’t we going to k-kiss?” he stuttered out, heart racing a million miles a minute.

“No,” Kibum replied flatly, “why would we?”

“Because it’s a dare, Key!” panic flashing through his eyes as the younger stood in front of him, unbothered.

“And?”

“And you said we… you said you just _‘y’know_ , _’_ ” putting air quotes around the emphasized word, “do it.”

“Well do you want to?” Key asked, not even a trace of sarcasm or anything else that would indicate a joke to be found in his voice.

“I don’t. Know. I don’t know.” Jinki admitted.

“Have you ever kissed anyone before, Jinks?” Kibum teased, knowing the answer as Jinki’s longest standing friend and confidant.

Kibum’s been by Jinki’s side for years, the younger having stood out to him in secondary school as the shortest in the class. As it turned out, Kibum was as smart as he was short, having skipped two years in primary school. Fifteen now, he was practically fluent in as many languages as his age. It came as no surprise to Jinki when Kibum clung to his side on that first day of school, the terrified eyes of a twelve year old in a room with fourteen, fifteen, and even some sixteen year olds. Jinki was set on doing the protecting of his newfound friend from that point on, but as time progressed, the dynamics of their friendship shifted slightly. Kibum grew more comfortable in himself at Jinki’s side, while Jinki began to crawl into a shell in some barely noticeable, but ever so clear to Kibum, aspects of his life.

“You know I haven’t,” he replies meekly.

“So if not now then when, hm? What are you waiting for?” Kibum was toying.

Jinki didn’t know. Honestly. It’s not like he didn’t have plenty of opportunities thrust upon him throughout his school career. He wasn’t the most drop-dead gorgeous, athletic, punk, jock, popular or whatever student in the school. But he was Jinki. And Jinki, with his natural charms, had attracted many girls in his short time on this earth. Yet not once had he ever seen it fit to accept their advantages, let alone pursue them.

“Key, you’re my best friend.” He finally said.

“And?”

“...And I’m not…” Jinki trailed off, mouth refusing to form the word that sat at the tip of his tongue.

“Gay?” Key said, finishing his sentence.

Jinki nodded his head. He wasn’t, how could he be? He had never had a crush on a boy.

“And you think I am? Jinki, it’s one kiss. It’s harmless. People greet each other with kisses all the time. It means nothing.”

“But it’d be my _first kiss_ , Kibum!” Jinki cries out, almost exasperatedly. It’s supposed to be special, he thinks. He wants it to be special.

Kibum thinks his next action over in his head a bit, before finally deciding to press a soft kiss to the corner of Jinki’s lips. Before the older can process what’s happening, Kibum takes out his phone and snaps a quick picture of himself.

“I promised Tiffany a picture,” he shrugged, voice smooth as ever.

Key led the two out back into the room where the group was seated around each other.

“Here’s your picture,” Key said lightly, waving his phone around in Tiffany’s face briefly.

“It counts,” she said playfully, “I guess.”

The night continued on, and Jinki sat there wondering why on god’s green earth he was so flustered after one _peck_ that barely qualified as a kiss.

-

He’s 18 by the time he’s had his first real kiss. He’s positive he’s dying alone.

-

The truth or dare with Kibum kept Jinki awake at night, and not just the night it happened, but for days and weeks later, summer months zipping by as the days and nights blurred together in Jinki’s restless state. He didn’t know why, but he feared it had something to do with the “kiss.” The kiss he didn’t want to be a kiss. Of course, he rationalizes that the only reason such a measly ‘kiss’ affected him was because it was the first time he had felt anything like that. Nothing less, and certainly nothing more. As the school year crept around the corner, Jinki figured his senior year would be the year he finally accepted those advances, finally got his first girlfriend. His first kiss. His first _real_ kiss.

As anticipated, the school year starts rather slowly, just like always. Everybody is trying to get accustomed to their surroundings, whether it’s their first or last year at the school, and nobody is overly interested in anybody.

Well, all with the exception of Jinki, who was almost desperately looking around for a girl to call his. It was out of character, really, and if anybody were to have noticed first, it would be Kibum.

“Jinki,” Key repeated for the fourth time, speaking through a mouthful of food, “it’s unlike you to not eat your lunch. What’s up?”

Observant as ever.

“Nothing, Bummie, I’m just looking.”

“For?”

Jinki knew that even if he put off his response now, he’d be getting asked the same question again later.

“A girlfriend,” he sighed out.

Kibum near choked around the fruit he was eating. " _Y_ _ou’re_ looking for a girlfriend?”

“Thanks for the support, Key. I knew I could count on you.” Sarcasm and bitterness dripped from his words.

“It’s not that I’m unsupportive or anything, it’s just so sudden. You haven’t even had your first kiss yet and all these years you’re rejecting every girl who ever walked up to you and I’ve _never_ known you to be one to actively seek out a girlfriend in fact you told me you don’t even have an interest in dating beca—”

“Are you done?” Jinki says flatly, interrupting the other’s rambling about Jinki’s love life, or lack thereof.

Kibum laughs lightly, earning a scowl from the older.

“So what caused this sudden desire for a lover, hmm?” Kibum draws out, teasingly. “What happened during the summer, Jinki-ya~,” tone bordering flirtatious as a cheshire grin makes its home on Key’s lips.

“Nothing happened,” _you happened. That dumb kiss or whatever happened._ “I just thought, I haven’t been in a relationship all throughout high school and I’d like to give it at least one shot before university, where I’ll be too busy for any of this.”

“Hmm…” Key sounded. He was unconvinced, but he didn’t push. Knowing Key, he’d find out sooner or later.

For Jinki’s sake, he was hoping it was much, much later.

-

As November rolled around, Jinki’s desperation for a girlfriend only grew more intense. He knew that once the spring semester came, it’d be all about finals and college and Jinki just wants this one thing.

He thinks.

He’s studying with Kibum when the younger perks up.

“I found you someone,” he says, not glancing up from his trigonometry textbook.

Jinki almost bursts right there, barely able to contain his relief and excitement. “Really? Who? Do I know her? What’s she like?” The sentences come out as a jumbled up sequence of words, barely distinguishable from one another.

Kibum looks up then, playful glint in his eyes.

“Tiffany.”

The wave of excitement Jinki feels all but crashes down upon him as he hears the name. She’s basically, if not literally, the entire reason he’s looking for a girlfriend to begin with.

“Oh.” He says, trying and failing to hide his disappointment.

“Oh don’t ‘oh’ me,” Key sticks his tongue out, the sixteen year old in him shining through brighter than ever, “She’s had a thing for you for like… an entire _year_. She told me so herself.”

“Well she never came and told me.”

“And can you blame her? Up until now you’ve shot down every person who even glanced at you with romantic intentions.”

Jinki silences for a second. It makes sense, but he’s not happy about it.

“Why would she tell you?”

“Don’t be dumb Jinks. I’m your best friend. I know everything about you. I know you better than you know yourself at times.” Jinki shudders at those words. He really hopes not. “It only makes sense that she’d tell me.”

Jinki nods silently and goes back to studying, much to Key’s dissatisfaction.

“‘Thank you for helping me find a girlfriend, Kibum. It means so much to me since I’ve been searching high and low for three months, and exam season is coming upon us which would’ve made it even more difficult. You really saved me there.’ No problem Jinki. Glad I could help.” Kibum spits out sarcastically. He’s not angry, just… _annoyed_. He goes through the trouble to find Jinki someone interested in him who he already _knows_ , and he’s getting paid dust for it.

“Thank you, really,” Jinki forces out, smiling wide, but the smile not reaching his eyes.

He’s beginning to think that a girlfriend isn’t exactly what he wants.

-

His first date with Tiffany, he’s not sure if he can call it a date. He brings Kibum along, because he’s never done this before and despite the age difference Kibum’s obviously much more experienced in the whole relationship realm. All three of them are chatting amongst themselves like the friends they knew each other to be. The tension is less overwhelming than Jinki anticipated, and so for the next date, two weeks later, it’s just him and Tiffany.

It doesn’t go too poorly, but there’s an indistinguishable air of awkwardness that lingers around the two. It’s all in Jinki’s head, he’s sure, because this is all brand new territory to him. The two are at a small café near their school, having walked over as the school day ended.

“Jinki-yah~” the older female draws out cheekily, “What are you doing for your birthday?”

It was the second day of December, with Jinki’s birthday just a week away. He never put much thought into his birthday plans, as midterms were always the week after and he saw no point in losing studying time to celebrate what was otherwise a normal day. More often than not, he’d spent it with his family and Kibum, eating dinner together and going straight back to studying with the younger when the meal was finished. Normal, really. A few gifts here and there, but nothing more than that. Up until this point, he hadn’t had a partner or ‘loved one’ to spend the day with, so he didn’t think much of the words that came out of his mouth next.

“The usual,” he spoke casually, “Key’s coming over for dinner and then we’re studying for midterms.”

Tiffany was about to reply as the barista came to take their order.

“Hi you two,” the short male smiled, “What’ll it be today?”

Jinki felt his heart falter and skip several beats as the barista stood there, smiling sweetly.

“A-anything is fine,” Jinki replied, cursing himself for his stutter and equally as ridiculous answer.

“I’m afraid that’s not how a café works,” the barista chuckled.

Jinki had no idea what was happening to him, but he was starstruck. The barista, light brown hair falling around his face ever so gently, had the prettiest smile, the prettiest laugh, looked so pretty in his café uniform. He was so _pretty_.

He shoved the thoughts to the back of his mind immediately, almost disgusted in himself for them.

“I’ll have green tea, please,” Tiffany said, adding herself into the atmosphere the barista and Jinki seemed to have created for themselves, “Jinki-yah, is green tea okay for you, too?”

Jinki nodded absentmindedly, eyes now glued to his hands on the table, long having left the pretty barista.

“Two green teas, anything else?” Jinki had kicked himself over and over mentally for thinking that the male’s voice sounded sweet like honey, warm as a summer sun.

“No, thank you, that’s all,” Tiffany replied kindly.

Her voice wasn’t as sweet, Jinki thought subconsciously.

“Alright, I’ll be back shortly,” the barista spoke, leaving the two again. Jinki glances up slightly to watch as he walked off. His backside was pretty too.

“So, Jinki,” Tiffany turned to say, “How about we have a birthday dinner?”

Jinki was taken out of his trance then. “You, me, and Key?” he asked genuinely.

“No, silly. You and _me_. I mean, you can always study in the morning right? Midterms don’t start until a week after. Plus, you’re smart, it’s not like you need to study every waking moment of your life,” she added lightly.

“I don’t know,” Jinki said cautiously, “I’ve spent my birthday like this, with my family, then with my family and Kibum, for years, you know?”

“You can still spend it with them,” she sighed, “but don’t you also want to spend it with your girlfriend?”

Jinki’s heart nearly leapt out of his throat at the word. _Girlfriend_. Jinki had, has, a _girlfriend_.

“Uh, yeah. Yeah! Yes, of course,” he said, overwhelmed at the sudden realization. He smiled down at his hands slightly, not knowing if the smile looked genuinely happy or more like a painful grimace. He wasn’t sure which of the two he was feeling either.

“Besides,” Tiffany smiled, “it’ll be your first birthday as an adult, spent with your first girlfriend. I think it’s fitting, don’t you?”

Again, that word. Jinki did nothing but nod and smile faintly.

“Two green teas, brewed by yours truly,” said the small barista as he all but bounced back over to the table. “Be careful!” he chirped out, “It’s hot stuff.” He winked playfully in Jinki’s direction, unbeknownst to Tiffany, and Jinki felt his whole body heat up and shut down.

“Thank you,” he nearly choked out, slightly overwhelmed by the presence of the petit male, “How much?”

“Hmmm…” the barista thought out loud, “On the house.” He flashed Jinki his pretty smile again, showing off his perfect set of pretty pearly white teeth.

“That’s so kind of you!” Tiffany exclaimed, eagerly taking a sip of her tea, “It’s delicious.”

“Thank you very much,” Jinki struggled, not making any further eye contact with the barista.

Jinki sat and drank his green tea quietly as Tiffany discussed the plans for their birthday date. For the life of him, Jinki couldn’t figure out why this minute interaction with some guy he doesn’t even know the name of made him feel like _that_. He has a girlfriend, after all. A phone ringing took him out of his thoughts.

“Hello?” Tiffany answered. She stayed on the phone for awhile, Jinki half listening into the conversation.

“It’s my mom, she needs me to go and shop for groceries,” she spoke, finishing the rest of her tea. “I’ll text you later!”

Jinki offered a half hearted smile before waving the other off. As she disappeared from his view, he slouched back into his seat, vaguely relieved that their date had come to an end. The barista eyed him curiously, smirking at the slightly dishevelled look on Jinki’s face.

-

“So how’d your date go?” Kibum asked, nose buried in his textbook again.

“Mhmm,” the older hummed out. He didn’t have half the mind to talk about the date, fearing he’d slip up and spill about the pretty barista instead.

Kibum sighed, “If you don’t like her, then why are you still going out with her?”

“I don’t _not_ like her,” Jinki said, rather defensively, “In fact, we’re going on another date on my birthday.”

Kibum’s eyes widened slightly, “Really now? Where to?”

Jinki regretted the time he spent in the café thinking more about the barista than listening to what his girlfriend had planned out for his birthday.

“We haven’t decided yet.”

“Liar.”

“I wasn’t listening, okay?”

“Exams got you distracted?”

“Plenty.”

Kibum didn’t pick up on his bluff that time, or if he did, he didn’t push. It wasn’t the exams that had him distracted, and he knew it all too well.

-

In all his life, Jinki had never dreaded his birthday more than he did the night before his eighteenth. As it turns out, Tiffany had planned a sickeningly sweet and romantic time for the two of them. Fortunately for Jinki, it wasn’t a lot of time, as his birthday _did_ fall on a school day. He was wide awake, texting Key in a frenzy.

 **onew  
** **23:09**

key

 **onew  
** **23:10**

bummie

 **onew  
** **23:11**

11:11 i wish u would answer your damn texts

 **onew  
** **23:12**

KIM KIBUM

 

Jinki rolled over onto his side and groaned frustratedly at his friend’s lack of response. He had been the one to get him into this situation, the very _least_ he could do was reply.

 

 **bum  
** **23:20**

i was in the shower what do u need?

 **onew  
** **23:22**

i have my date w/ tiffany tomorrow and idk what to do i don’t even think i wanna go i usually spend my bday with u & my parents and it’s so sudden and kinda intrusive you know??? i mean, we are dating, and i’ve known her forever, she’s a good friend and she’s nice but i don’t know about spending my /birthday/ with her kinda outta nowhere. what do i do

 **bum  
** **23:23**

you just gave every reason why this is a non issue lol

 **onew  
** **23:23**

????????

 **bum  
** **23:24**

go on the date dumbass

 **onew  
** **23:24**

i don’t want to. at all

 **bum  
** **23:24**

and why’s that?

 **bum  
** **23:36**

?????

 **bum  
** **23:40**

im coming over

 **onew  
** **23:40**

what

 

The worst part about having Kim Kibum as a best friend and upstairs neighbor was that he could come over whenever he wanted. It was just barely midnight when Jinki heard the unlocking of his parents’ front door, causing him to jolt up out of bed and rush over to the scene.

“Key what the hell. What the actual _hell_ is your damage. You’re going to wake my parents up and get the both of us in trouble.”

“I do this all the time. Why do you think you guys run out of cereal so quickly?” the younger smirked, shoving his spare key into the pocket of his sweatpants. “This is a family of deep sleepers.”

Key’s burglarizing habits would have to be discussed another time, Jinki figured.

“You’re awful,” the older seethed, dragging Kibum into his room so they could talk comfortably.

“Happy birthday,” the younger exclaimed as Jinki closed his bedroom door behind them, “Now tell me what _your_ damage is.” They made their way onto Jinki’s bed, sitting face to face as though this were some deep intervention. Honestly, it’d probably turn out that way with how Jinki was feeling.

“What are you talking about, Bum?” he spoke anxiously.

“Why don’t you want to go out with Tiffany? You’ve known her for the longest time, longer than you’ve known me actually, and it’s not like you’re strangers to each other. You’re friends! Good friends! At this point you should be very close, now that you’re a couple. You two have already been out on a date together, and she’s your _gi_ —”

“Yes Key I know! She’s my girlfriend I know!” Jinki all but cried out.

In all their years of friendship, Kibum had never seen the older so hysterical. It worried him.

“Hey, Jinks, take a breather okay?” he soothed, going more into his protective mode that could’ve easily made outsiders question who was the older of the two. “What’s up?”

Jinki took several deep, long breaths, trying to steady himself as he moved to wrap his arms around the younger, burying his face into his chest.

“Kibum,” he started. By the tone of his voice, Kibum knew it was going to be a long explanation.

“Go on.”

Jinki breathed a light laugh, sounding entirely of exhaustion and self pity. “Do you remember the party? The one at the end of last school year?”

Kibum nods, letting Jinki do all the talking.

“When Tiffany dared us to kiss, why were you so… so nonchalant about it?”

Kibum held back a shrug, noting the serious atmosphere around the conversation.

“Because it was just a kiss, Jinks. Like I said then, they don’t always mean anything special. I don’t know why you’re asking me this.”

“B-because. I was so worried that night, I—”

“It would’ve been your first kiss, yes. I know. Which is why I took you out of the room and pretended we kissed when we didn’t, because you wanted your first to be special. Where are you going with this?”

Jinki sat silently for awhile, feeling childish and small for not knowing how to get his answer out immediately.

“You still kissed the corner of my lips,” he finally said, looking up to meet the other’s eyes.

“I did.”

“It…” he hesitated, trying to find the right words again, “It felt like? It almost felt right? It didn’t feel bad, is what I’m saying, I think.”

“Kisses usually don’t,” Kibum chuckled out, now finally putting the pieces together as to why Jinki was in such a haste to find a girlfriend after the summer. _Oh_.

“I’m being _serious_ Key. I’m scared.”

“Of?”

“I don’t want to go on that date with Tiffany tomorrow. Today. Whatever. I don’t want to hold her hand in the park or do that noodle thing where we end up kissing. I don’t want to go out with her. I don’t want to be with her anymore.”

“You had me come over here to break up with your girlfriend via me?”

“ _Kibum_.” Jinki said tiredly.

“Okay, okay. What does this have to do with the kiss?” He knew. Jinki couldn’t be more transparent if he tried, really, but he needed to hear him say it.

Jinki fell silent again, as expected. Kibum didn’t push, but it was nearing one in the morning and he knew the older would be tired running on only five hours of sleep.

“I don’t. I don’t want to kiss Tiffany. I don’t want to kiss her. But…” he trailed off, tears starting to form in the corner of his eyes. Kibum held him closer, rubbing small circles into his back and ruffling his fingers gently through the older’s hair. A distressed Jinki is never a pretty sight, but Kibum knew his way around comforting him. As the older started to cry, tears shaking his body, Kibum sang him the same soft lullaby he always did when he was in this state.

“But what, Jinks?” Key said softly, not the slightest bit of urgency in his voice, letting his best friend know that he could take his time here, that here was safe.

Jinki kept crying, hiccuping through his sobs.

“Do you hate me?” he choked out.

“No. I could never.”

“E-even if I s-said I…” Jinki coughed, cried, sniffled and finished his thought, “Even if I said, I wouldn’t mind if y-you were my first ki-kiss?”

Kibum tensed slightly, but it was enough for Jinki to jump from the younger’s arms and begin apologizing profusely.

“Yah, stop it,” Kibum said firmly, putting his hand over the elder’s mouth.

Jinki muffled out an apology for apologizing before Kibum removed his hand from him.

“Do you mean that?” Key asked earnestly.

Jinki was stunned. Why wasn’t he mad? Why wasn’t he walking out and loudly cursing at him for what he just said? Why didn’t this bother him? He shoved this to the back of his head, opting to just finish what he started, nodding his head yes.

“I need you to say it, Jinks,” his best friend said softly.

Jinki had sat silently for a minute or two, doing his best to put his thoughts together in a way that made even the slightest bit of sense.

“On my date with Tiffany last week,” he said shakily, “there was a guy. The barista, he… I looked at him and felt more in those two minutes than I have in the month I’ve been d-dating Tiffany. I think. I’m scared, Kibum. I-i’m fucking, _terrified_ I might l-like guys. I don’t want to.”

Kibum turned the other’s words around in his head a bit, keeping Jinki terrified of rejection until he finally spoke again.

“Do you want to know what I think?”

Jinki nodded his head feverishly, looking for answers he couldn’t give himself.

“I think you’ve turned down all those girls all these years because some part of you knew you weren’t interested in them, right?”

Jinki nodded, head swimming. Kibum continued.

“But you thought nothing of that, and just chalked it up to being uninterested in relationships as a whole. I think, that night we were playing truth or dare, and you got panicked over your first kiss, it wasn’t because you wanted your first kiss to be special. At least, that wasn’t the whole reason. You didn’t want to confirm what you already subconsciously knew, because you were, and still obviously are, afraid of it.”

Tears.

“So after this summer, you were doing everything you could to find a girlfriend and suppress those feelings, whatever they were. Not because you suddenly got interested, but because you’re scared.”

More tears.

“That pretty boy at the café, he made those fears return.”

Sobs.

“And now, the kiss, you want to kiss me to figure out whether or not your fears are justified.”

Heart wrenching sobs escaped the older’s mouth, struggling to keep quiet as to not wake up his still sleeping parents. Kibum just brought the older in towards him again, smoothing his hand up and down his back as he hummed soft reassurances of “it’s okay, you’re okay, this is okay” into his ear. It took awhile for Jinki to calm down again, collecting his thoughts and bringing himself to speak.

“I’m so… afraid, Key.” he said steadily, voice wavering the least it has all night.

“I’ll help you figure this out, okay? Either way, if anything, I’m not going anywhere,” and he hugged Jinki tighter as though he were confirming it through his touch, “I promise.”

The two sat there like that for awhile, silence consuming them until Jinki broke it.

“I do.”

“Hmm?” hummed Key, still caressing the older’s back.

“I do mean it… that I want—wouldn’t mind if you were my first kiss.”

Kibum separates the two then, looking deeply into Jinki’s eyes for any trace of fear or self doubt. He couldn’t find a single one.

“Are you sure?” he asked, just to be safe.

“I… I want to stop being afraid. Yes.” Jinki willed out.

Kibum smiled and laughed lightly, “No regrets?”

“No promises.” Jinki answered playfully, but Kibum could tell he was anxious. It was his first, after all. Nonetheless, he smiled wider at the older’s attempts to calm himself down.

Seconds that felt like hours passed before either one of them did anything.

“Close your eyes,” Kibum instructed. He moved himself to kneel between Jinki’s sprawled out legs, getting the two closer and in a less awkward position.

Jinki did as told, eyes fluttering shut in an instant. Before Jinki could form any coherent thoughts, a soft set of lips was pressed gently to his, stealing his breath in an instant. Truthfully, the kiss couldn’t have lasted more than a few seconds, but it felt like a lifetime to Jinki. It felt soft as pillows, tasted sweet as cotton candy and Jinki swore that if he had to stay like this forever he wouldn’t mind.

In an instant, it was over, Kibum pulling back to look at Jinki’s now beet red, wide eyed face. He smirked a bit at the flustered expression on the older.

“Was that okay?” Key asked.

Jinki himself was still stunned, brought his fingers up to his lips to touch what remained of Kibum’s.

“C-can we? Again?” Jinki questioned shyly, surprising even himself. As he looked up through his eyelashes, he saw Kibum’s probably equally as shocked face. “N-never mind we don’t have to thank you for helping sorry for interrupting y—”

“Do you want to?” the younger questioned, considerate as ever, always asking for double confirmation from his nervous friend. Jinki nodded before using his words like Kibum always ended up telling him to do.

“I do.”

“Then you lead this time,” replied the younger.

Jinki’s heart started beating rapidly at the thought of being in _control_. What if he was bad at it? It was only his second kiss. What was he doing? Kibum could sense the sudden panic and overthinking that overtook his best friend.

“It’s not as hard as you think,” Key said soothingly. “Here,” he gestured, guiding Jinki’s hands up to cup his cheeks. Jinki winced slightly at the unfamiliarity and intimacy of the act. Kibum brought his body closer, sliding himself onto Jinki’s lap. His legs wrapped around Jinki, his arms holding lightly around his neck. “I’ll close my eyes, all you have to do is lean in and kiss me.”

 _All_ he has to do? Jinki felt his stomach doing somersaults. It’s not like he was highly experienced in this arena, but Kibum’s eyelids had already shut expectantly, leaving Jinki with no time to waste. Time couldn’t have moved slower, Jinki thought, as he closed his eyes as well and moved in to press his lips to those of an expectant Kibum. Kibum kissed back gently, softly, adjusting his hold on Jinki’s neck and tilting his head slightly. Jinki felt a fire ignite in the pit of his stomach, a deep burning for more and more and _more_ of what Kibum was giving him. He applied a slight bit more pressure to the kiss, moving his hands from Kibum’s cheeks to his waist to pull him in closer, if even humanly possible. The innocence of the act still there, but the shyness long forgotten as the two stayed locked together for as long as they could before they needed oxygen. Jinki pulls back first, tear stained face meeting that of a winded and breathless Kibum.

“What’s wrong?” Key panted.

“I like boys.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is kind of a background more than it is a first "chapter" but it's mainly bc i realized without this i'd have to add a whole bunch of miscellaneous allusions to make the characters make sense.. it was just more logical to flesh the characters out like this and then keep writing from here instead of having continuous flashbacks. thanks for reading! updating soon. (posted 7/4)


	2. daffodils

He’s in his third year of university when he finds out about this disease. It’s killer.

-

“Alright old man,” Kibum said, plopping down on the bed beside his best friend, “How much longer do you intend to keep lying to yourself?”

Jinki rolled over onto his side to face Kibum, propping his head up with his hand to look up at him. “I’m not sure what you’re talking about,” he lies.

“How much longer will you keep dating Tiffany? It’s already been nearly three years, and if your eighteenth birthday is anything to go by, that’s three years too many.” Kibum responds pointedly.

Jinki lets out a long sigh, drawing the younger in closer to him. He was almost twenty one now and had still remained in the relationship that he had desperately wanted out of since its inception. The friendship he shared with Kibum had only gotten closer over these past three years; Jinki fearing that his chances at ever making another male friend upon his realization had become totally shot, and Kibum knowing that this fear of his would never be the case but understanding the other’s mindset like usual. Kibum himself had come to more or less the same realization as Jinki as time progressed, coming out to Jinki as pansexual and then immediately comforting the older as _he_ cried tears of joy and relief, as though he were the one coming out.

“You know it’s not easy Bum,” he started, “I know there are ‘people like me’ everywhere, but I also know that ‘people like me’ don’t get through life easily here. Not when they’re out, at least… especially not then. You know this too, you live this reality _too_. You know it’s hard.”

“Okay.” Kibum says, thinking out the rest of his response.

“Okay?”

“So why are you still dating her? There’s so many single students in uni, it wouldn’t make a difference whether you had a girlfriend or not. It’s not like you’d stand out for _not_ having a girlfriend. You’re so uncomfortable in the relationship, for obvious reasons—”

“Obvious?!” Jinki panicked, hoping he wasn’t as transparent to the rest of the world as he is to Kibum.

“Obvious to _me_.” Kibum reassured, “Besides, don’t you wanna ‘focus more on schoolwork’ anyhow?” he joked, drawing upon Jinki’s old excuse for not wanting a girlfriend.

Kibum peered down at the older, who had his arms wrapped loosely around his waist from behind. Whatever Jinki was thinking, this had been one of the few times where his mind and expression had become totally unreadable to Kibum.

“I’ll do it tomorrow.”

Kibum’s eyes widened. “Yah, your eyes will fall out of your head,” the older snickered. “I’m serious, I’ll do it tomorrow.”

“Are you serious? Like _seriously serious_ serious?” Key eagerly asks, like it was _his_ relationship to be getting out of.

“Yes you bum,” Jinki says, laughing as the younger takes a pillow and tosses it on his face none-too-gently.

A comfortable silence falls upon the two before Jinki speaks up again.

“You know, I don’t care for tea or coffee too much.” he says.

“And?”

“But I go to the café everyday with Tiffany. When we break up, I won’t have an excuse to see that pretty barista anymore.”

-

 **tiffany-noona  
** **11:19**

jinki-yah~ do you wanna go get some tea? my classes don’t start until 2 today ^^

 **jinks  
** **11:27**

sure, i have class at 1:30 though

 **tiffany-noona  
** **11:28**

we can head to campus by 1 then

 **jinks  
** **11:33**

alright, i’ll see u in ten minutes

-

“Jonghyun-ah~” Tiffany mused to their barista upon entering, “so good to see you again.”

“How’ve you been Hyun?” Jinki asked, making his way to his usual spot.

“Not much has changed from yesterday," says Jonghyun, "the usual?"

Over the course of three years, Jinki and Tiffany visiting daily, the relationship between the three grew to be more than just customer-server, yet less than hang-out-after-work friendly. Needless to say, Jinki had still not gotten the pretty barista’s number.

“Yup,” Tiffany chirps out, “two green teas and a blueberry muffin please.”

“Of course, I’ll be right back,” Jonghyun smiles as he walks off. His hair, Jinki noted, was dyed white now, silver undertones bringing out a certain sparkle in his eyes. He had also gotten a few piercings, earrings of all sizes and shapes decorating the edges of his ears. Jinki thought he looked beautiful.

Jinki also thought that today would have to be the day he ended things with Tiffany. The strain on himself to keep up a relationship that drained him was beginning to be—no, was _already_ —too much. Before he can get a word out, Tiffany’s speaking.

“So did you hear about Taeyeon? Poor thing,” she says to Jinki, tapping idly at her phone, “she’s got Hanahaki disease.”

Jinki holds back a laugh, “Sorry, she has hana- _what_? That made up love disease?”

“It’s not made up,” Tiffany replies sternly, “Taeyeon could seriously die from this. She’s in love with Yuri, y’know, that first year?”

Jinki stiffens at the mention of Taeyeon being in love with another girl, but nods his head. “What about it?”

“Well, yeah,” Tiffany continues, “unless she confesses and Yuri has the same feelings for her, those flowers growing in her chest could literally kill her. She’s got the most dangerous kind, too, I think. Ipomoea indica.”

“Walk me through what any of that means,” Jinki says, mind hazy.

Tiffany pauses for a moment before she starts up again.

“Taeyeon’s… y’know, she’s in love with a girl,” she begins, “ipomoea indica are flowers representing restricted love. It’s kind of painful to watch, because those are usually for people who are not… ‘out of the closet’? Basically, she won’t confess because of her own internalized homophobia, and this fear causes the flowers. It can get harmful for the person coughing them up if they’re not careful, because they could be exposed, and you know how that is.”

“No I don’t. Why would I know about that.” Jinki says flatly. _Please god, not today._

“It was more of a general statement, not specific to you.” Tiffany replied, “Honestly, her only options are confession or surgery.”

“Surgery?” Jinki presses, now intrigued.

“When you get Hanahaki disease and the confession is a miss or you don’t want to go through with confessing, surgery is the only other life saving option. The only downside is that once the surgery is done to remove the flowers from your chest, the feelings and all chances of them returning for that person are removed too. Forever.”

“Oh?”

“To my knowledge. I mean, you should still be able to hang out with that person, right? Because the feelings are gone, and there’s only a 1% chance of relapse. So even if you get the surgery, there’s nothing stopping you from being friends. If it doesn’t work out between Taeyeon and Yuri, I hope they can at least be friends.”

Just as Jinki’s about to respond, Jonghyun returns with the pair’s order.

“As per request, your usual,” he hums out cheerily, placing the teas and muffin down. “Seeing as we’ve known each other for three years and I _do_ take care of you guys for each visit, I’ve noticed you only order green teas and a blueberry muffin. Why’s that?”

“Jinki here isn’t a big fan of tea or coffee,” Tiffany says simply.

“So why return daily?” Jonghyun continues.

Jinki shrugs, “I like the atmosphere.” _I like your smile. I like your voice. I like your eyes. I like your laugh._

Jonghyun hums knowingly, “Hmm… well, when you two are done, I’ll bring the bill.”

“$9.42, like always,” Jinki and Tiffany say in unison. Jonghyun offers a small smile again before he heads back to his spot behind the counter. Jinki watches him off before continuing his conversation with Tiffany.

“About this Hanahaki disease,” he starts, “have you ever had it?”

Tiffany’s face pales slightly, eyes to be found empty of any emotion as she replies monotonously.

“Once.”

Jinki looks up.

“Two years ago. He didn’t, and doesn’t feel the same way. I got the surgery. We’re still good friends, like we used to be.”

Jinki’s face turns white and red at the same time, fear, guilt, and embarrassment overcoming him all at once. He fumbles through his wallet for small bills, finding only a twenty and opting to leave that on the table before wishing Jonghyun a good day and taking Tiffany outside with him. The pair headed over to Jinki’s car, now having to drive to their go-to spot after graduating high school. As they get inside, Jinki can’t quite get himself to start up the vehicle. His head is still spinning from all the information he’s been made to take in.

“Are you going to drive?” Tiffany asks, not even glancing in his direction.

“You were in love with me.” He’s not looking at her either.

“I was.”

“You didn’t tell me.”

“I didn’t.”

“Why would you do that?”

“Daffodils.”

“What?”

Tiffany breaks their awkward non-staring contest, finally looking over to Jinki and he does the same as she explains.

“Daffodils. Unrequited love.”

“Tiffany I’m so… I’m so sorry. How could I have known? Why didn’t you tell me?” Jinki says frustratedly. Something in the back of his mind is telling him that maybe if she said something, he could’ve found a way to love her back. Maybe he could’ve found a way to blend into this society _normally_.

“Confessing to unrequited love is foolish. You may as well just get the surgery the minute you start coughing up those damned flowers,” she said bitterly, “part of me wonders that if I had said ‘I’m in love with you’ instead of just the casual ‘I love you’ if things between us would’ve gone differently.”

“Tiffany…”

“But I know better. Even when I said ‘I love you,’ you always replied with variants of it… but you never said it. Part of me wished you would, eventually.”  
Silence.

Long silence.

Deafening silence.

And then she breaks it again.

“After I got the surgery… all of me wanted flowers in your chest, too.”

-

Jinki drives the two of them to the school in an uncomfortable atmosphere, only slightly put off by the music playing on the radio.

_“And that was ‘Truth or Dare’ by Gain. Listeners, is there anything you’re hiding from the world?”_

Nice, Jinki thinks.

_“Call in and confess, completely anonymous. We’ll be taking calls after the next song, ‘MONO-Drama’ by Jonghyun.”_

Jinki’s steady demeanor falters slightly at the mention of the man’s name. Surely, it was a different Jonghyun. His Jonghyun was a barista. Jinki smiled at that thought slightly. _His_ Jonghyun. Tiffany seemed to have picked up on it too.

“Isn’t that the barista’s name?” she questioned, not sounding that interested and just meaning to make some break in the silence between the two.

“Yeah, I think,” Jinki replied in the same tone.

As silence fell upon the two again, the aforementioned song started playing through the car’s stereo.

_“I want to resemble you, I want to hug you”_

It was definitely Jonghyun’s voice. Jinki wasn’t the least bit shocked at how smoothly the sound travelled, but it overtook him all at once. He thought the man sounded like honey before, but _this_ . This was everything. This was powerful, soft, soothing, strong. Jinki loved every second, desperate to wrap himself up more in Jonghyun’s voice. _  
_

_“But it’s too much to even linger next to you_  
_I know it’s funny to compare myself_  
to the great you”

Before the chorus started, Jinki pulled into the campus parking lot closest to Tiffany’s class. Reluctantly, just wanting now to hear Jonghyun’s voice, he lowered the volume to turn and talk to her.

“Do you want me to get you after class?” he asked earnestly.

“I think I should be with Taeyeon. You know, be the help to her she was to me,” Tiffany replied, referring to the disease.

“Can we talk about that, please? What are we doing here, are we still together?” Jinki pleaded.

“What’s there to talk about? We aren’t anything anymore.”

“Sometimes, people develop feelings for someone else after finding out that they have feelings for them," he tried.

“What in hell, Jinki.” Tiffany said. It wasn’t a question, it was more of a statement. More of a ‘how dare you talk to me like that, how dare you tell me I suffered for nothing’ type of tone.

“What?”

“Would you have?” she snaps, “Would you have felt anything if I said ‘I’m in love with you’?”

“I—”

“Here’s a better question,” tears began to pool in her eyes, “Do you feel anything _now_?”

Jinki couldn’t answer honestly, knowing that if he _did_ feel anything for her, he’d be coughing up flowers by now. He hesitated for a moment before he finally answered.

“I… don’t.”

The shame in his eyes was too much to face Tiffany with, he could feel it.

“Then there’s your answer,” she said, undoing her seatbelt and walking off.

She left without another word.

-

Jinki was slightly late to his health sciences class, but as far as he’s concerned, with what just took place, him even being in class and focusing as much as he was was a miracle with all the thoughts running through his head.

_Taeyeon’s in love with a girl._

_I’m single._

_She loved me._

_She was in love with me._

_I’m single._

_Taeyeon likes girls._

_People like me._

_Jonghyun is a singer._

_I’m single._

_People like me._

_Hanahaki disease._

_I’m single._

_Jonghyun._

_People like me._

“Jinki,” his professor said, drawing him out of his thoughts, “have you got anything to add to the discussion?”

Jinki looked around the board to see any reference to whatever topic the class was discussing before sheepishly responding that he didn’t have any contributions to make.

“Pay attention. Minho, your thoughts?”

Jinki may not have paid that much attention to his classmates’ names, but in the three months he’s been in the class, he hasn’t once heard the name ‘Minho’ be uttered by his professor or peers. He turned his head to the back of the room where a man with sharp features and slightly ruffled dark brown hair was perched in his seat, answering in a deep voice.

“Well,” Minho began, “I think that the worst part about the disease is that the only known cures end in either a loss of feeling or heartbreak.”

What?

“Well don’t be so pessimistic, if the feelings are mutual then it doesn’t end that poorly,” a random voice chirped.

“If.” Minho said bluntly.

Oh.

“You don’t think that the worst part could be, I don’t know, everything else? The anxiety, paranoia, the _physical_ illness that overcomes you? And what about the feelings of the people around you watching you suffer like that? I mean, come on Minho, consider the vines and thorns that wrap around your ribs and pierce your lungs if it gets too far. You end up coughing up blood in the later phases and _literally dying_ isn’t worse than heartbreak?” the voice said again.

“Taemin,” the professor said, noting the hostility in the young boy’s voice.

“You can still die from a broken heart,” is all Minho said before handing the discussion back over to the professor.

-

Jinki rationalized that it made sense for his health science class to be talking about Hanahaki disease, or any disease, really; but the timing, he thought to himself, was almost amusing. Class finished shortly after the discussion and as he made his way out of the room, he noticed the two classmates he had come to know as Taemin and Minho arguing around the corner.

“Well maybe you shouldn’t have added your comments where they weren’t needed,” whisper-shouted the taller of the two.

“I’m sorry I broke your heart but what the hell could I have done about it? I didn’t and still don’t love you,” Taemin replied flatly.

Words got caught in Minho’s throat as his expression turned stone cold. “You know, Taemin, after every conversation we have, I’m left to wonder how I ever fell in love with a jackass like you.”

“I cared,” said the shorter male.

“Cut the shit.”

“Really? Who was by your side watching you die nearly every minute of everyday as you _refused_ to tell me who your feelings were for? Who encouraged you to get the surgery in the first place so that you didn’t die from this shit? Who was with you before and after the whole damned procedure, huh? Who?”

“Who’s the one who shut me down immediately after I, basically halfway dead, confessed? Who’s the _reason_ I was almost dead to begin with?”

“You are, Minho. Nobody told you to fall in love with a straight guy.” Something like guilt and regret hid behind Taemin’s otherwise blank expression.

At that, Minho stormed off, tears threatening to fall from his eyes, nearly ramming into Jinki in the process.

“Shit, man, I’m sorry,” he said, avoiding eye contact.

“I’m sorry, too,” Jinki replied sheepishly.

“Wha—”

“I was listening in on you and Taemin’s… ‘conversation.’ It wasn’t my place,” he admitted. Minho looked angry, upset and terrified all at once.

“Listen, you tell _anyo_ —”

“Do you want to go get coffee?”

“What.” Minho deadpanned.

“I’m more of a tea person, actually. Do you have any classes right now?”

Minho hesitated, taken aback by the forwardness of the small male in front of him. “Not… necessarily. Not until five.”

“So that’s a yes?”

“My car’s on campus.”

“I can drive you back, afterwards.”

“I don’t even know your name.”

“Jinki, Lee Jinki. I’m a third year student here, and you are?”

“Choi Minho. I’m in my first year.”

“Nice… so shall we go?”

“Are you always like this?”

“Do you want to find out?”

-

“So, Choi Minho, are you new to the health science class? I haven’t seen you around, is why I’m asking.” Jinki made light conversation with the younger as they made their way to the café.

“Not really, actually. I have the course at a different time but I couldn’t make my morning class.”

“Ahh, that explains it.”

“Though, if I knew Taemin were going to be there, I would’ve just skipped today. There wouldn’t have been much to lose anyhow.”

“Yeah, just a couple thousand dollars, no big deal,” Jinki joked, stopping at the red light. “What is it between you two anyway?”

“You heard it all, didn’t you?”

“Well, yeah but—”

“I liked him, he didn’t like me. He doesn’t ‘roll that way,’ or whatever. I held onto the feelings as long as I could without dying, and only got the surgery because he said I should. I should’ve died, really, just so that stuck up fuck could see his best friend leave the earth in his hands. Really, if I knew this is how he’d act after everything, I would’ve.” Minho said coldly.

“I take it there’s a lot of bad blood between you two.”

“Some days are better than others.”

Jinki began driving again as the light changed, “you’re still friends?”

“Of course,” Minho smiled meekly, “best friends.”

“Even after confessing?”

“All romantic feelings go away after the surgery, it’s part of the procedure,” he answered sadly. They were pulling into the café’s parking lot when Minho continued his explanation. “And they never come back, like ever. There’s nothing more than a 1% chance of relapse… so we’re still friends without too much awkwardness between us. But _fuck_. Every time, _every single time_ this hell disease gets brought up around him, he feels it’s important to bring our personal experience with it into the mix.” Minho finished, exasperated.

The pair walked into the coffee shop to be greeted by Jonghyun, making butterflies appear in Jinki’s stomach almost instantaneously. He swallows them all the same, wanting nothing more than to just be able to be open with himself without risking... everything.

“Hey, weren’t you here earlier with your girlfriend?” Jonghyun chirped towards the older male. Jinki only replied with a slight nod as he made his way to his usual table.

“I’d start on the two green teas but there’s a new face here,” he continued, “What can I get for you?”

When Minho became aware that Jonghyun was speaking to him, he asked only for an unsweetened green tea and a scone.

“Not much of a difference, I see.” Jonghyun walked around the counter and prepared the order, humming to himself as he did so.

It made sense that the white-haired boy brewing his tea was also a singer. Even the little melodies he hummed out while he was tending to orders were perfect and sweet sounding.

“Girlfriend, huh?” Minho sounded, an amused tone lacing his voice.

“Why do you say it like that?”

“You don’t strike me as the type.”

Panic.

“And you know me so well, huh?”

“What straight guy invites a dude into other dudes, which you knew of prior to inviting me, by the way, to get coffee?”

“Tea.” Jinki corrected.

“Even more heterosexual.”

“Canyoupleasekeepyourfuckingvoicedowni’mnotoutyetjesuschrist,” Jinki rushed out in a hurried whisper, averting his eyes away from the piercing gaze Minho was giving.

“And I repeat, girlfriend?”

Minho was having a kick out of this.

“ _Ex_ girlfriend. We broke up today, before class.”

“Is it because you’re—”

“No.”

“Oh?”

“Kind of.”

“Ah.”

The two sat in a heavy silence for what seemed like ages. In this time, Jinki did nothing but admire the barista as he poured out the two cups of tea and reached down to get the scone from where it was being displayed in front of the counter. Minho started up the previously forgotten conversation again as Jonghyun made his way over to their table.

“So why the breakup?” he quizzed.

“Breakup?” Jonghyun echoed, setting the tea and scone down. “You and Tiffany broke up? It’s been like, three years.”

“Three years?” repeated Minho, almost laughing. The incessant talking was making Jinki’s head spin.

“How much?” Jinki said, ignoring both questions and taking a sip of his tea.

“Twenty dollars.”

He almost choked on his drink upon responding, “Eleven dollars more for a _scone_? Hyun, please tell me you’re joking.”

“It’s actually fifty cents more, but you won’t talk.” Jonghyun joked.

“Do we even know each other well enough to talk about the dynamics of my failed relationship?”

“You’ve been calling me by half my name for like eight months now, for one,” Jonghyun chirped, “and two, you’ve come here once a day everyday for three years. I know you plenty.”

“I have company.”

“Oh no I’m interested in knowing too,” Minho encouraged.

“We _just_ met.”

“And you’re already taking him out to coffee? You work fast.”

“It is _not_ like that,” the two mused at the same time.

“So come back later after closing and tell me about it,” Jonghyun egged on. _Man_ was he persistent.

“I’ve already come here twice today,” Jinki replied, taking another sip of his now lukewarm tea.

“Third time’s a charm,” Jonghyun winked, “that’ll be $9.92, by the way.” He walked off with a smile on his face as Jinki sighed into his palms.

“Three years?” Minho egged on once more.

“Dude, I don’t know you. It’d be weird to tell _you_ about my relationship mishaps before even telling my best friend.” Jinki said tiredly.

“Okay… that’s fair, but why’d you even ask me to coffee, pardon, tea, in the first place?” Minho asked.

Jinki had fumbled around in his head a bit for an answer. Why _did_ he ask Minho out to tea? It made no sense, he didn’t even know the guy before today and so far he already knows Jinki’s most carefully kept secret _and_ that he’s broken up with his girlfriend of three years just earlier that afternoon. Not to mention, he was out spending a whole extra fifty cents on the guy.

“Guess I just wanted a friend,” he shrugged. It seemed the most sincere, albeit kind of pathetic coming from the older’s mouth.

“Do you not have many of those?” Minho teased.

“Hey,” Jinki said, almost hurt, “it’s not easy, y’know. I’ve,” he lowered his voice, “I’ve been closeted for three years. It's hard to make other guy friends or friends in general when you're paranoid about them finding out. The only other person who knows is my best friend and…” his voice rose again, “why am I explaining this to you.”

“Because I’m trustworthy,” Minho said matter-of-factly.

“Is that so?” Jinki chimed.

“Yes. Give me your phone now and I’ll prove it,” he said.

Jinki was confused at the demand, but complied nonetheless.

“See? You trusted me to give me your phone, and who _knows_ the shit you hide in here?” Minho laughed, typing his number into the keypad and saving it to Jinki’s contacts.

“That means nothing because I have nothing to hide.”

“So I can just go through your photos right n—”

“Yah!” Jinki said, nearly leaping over the table to pry his device from the younger.

“And you trusted me with your precious information. Point proven.” Minho handed Jinki his phone back with a light chuckle and then continued talking. “You might regret not coming out sooner or later,” he said seriously.

“Why do you say that?” Jinki asked, taken aback by the sudden seriousness of the conversation.

“Well, say you get a crush on someone, right? For me, when I had Hanahaki disease for that shitbrained boy, I didn’t out myself in the process. Y’know, the flowers I coughed up weren’t ipomoea indica. Those are reserved specifically for closeted people like you.”

 _People like you_.

“I was _blessed_ ,” Minho continued sarcastically, “with yellow tulips. Hopeless love.”

“That bites,” Jinki consoled.

“It’s better than being forcefully outed.”

Jinki chose his next words carefully, not knowing how he should go about asking the guy he just met about one of the probably more-intimate details of his life.

“So how did you… when… how’d you y’know. Come out?”

Minho offered a sad smile upon recounting the event. “Well,” he began, “I’ve known since like… junior high. At least, consciously. I feel like I could’ve always known in the back of my mind somehow but I finally acknowledged it in junior high and it scared me to shit.”

Jinki’s trying his hardest to be polite and not interrupt, but the mere thought of knowing something like _this_ since before puberty had him with a thousand questions on the tip of his tongue already.

“So, I did what you did,” Minho continued, “only better and for a much less agonizingly painful period of time.”

“You don’t need to insult me,” Jinki mumbled.

“In my second year of high school I came out, but only to a couple of friends. Taemin was the first,” his steady tone faltering, “and… okay to make our particular part in this story short; he hugged and supported me through it and we were close as shit like always and I ended up developing a crush on him in our last year of high school and he rejected me _obviously_ because he’s straight and then forced me to get the surgery but you know that enough by now, so anyway, back to the main point, my coming out wasn’t easy. It’s easy to talk about now but that was a painful experience in all honesty. I could barely come out to myself at first, which you’ve already done so there’s no point in talking you through that stage, but coming out to others? The absolute _fear_ of it all?”

“This is supposed to be reassuring?” Jinki interrupted, breaking his own rule.

“Don’t interrupt me,” Minho said flatly.

“I’m older than you, jerk, talk with some respect.”

“And I’m older than Taemin, but he's been talking to me like we’re the same age since we met.”

“You’re not?” Jinki said, steering away from the main topic at hand.

“I’m two years his senior.”

“But you’re both first years?”

“I have to give him some credit, he's really smart. Skipped two grades.”

“Why are you me?” Jinki asked, not even realizing how absurd he sounded.

“I’m sorry, why am I _what_?”

“What are the odds of me finding another… you know… another guy who likes guys with a super genius best friend?”

“Do you really want to talk about our Einsteinian besties or would you rather know how I got past the worst probably eight months of my life?” Minho spoke rhetorically. Jinki rolled his eyes but nodded anyway, signalling to the younger that he preferred the latter.

“Everyone says it but accepting yourself first is key. Don’t worry too much about everyone else’s thoughts and just do what makes you comfortable. You don’t even need to be _out_ -out, just a couple of friends who you think need to know, family, whatever. It’s up to you in the end and as long as you remember that you should be fine.”

“Thank you so much, Hallmark greeting card,” Jinki said jokingly, genuinely appreciating Minho’s words. Why he was warming up to the kid so much already took him off guard, until he realized this was the first male friend he’d made in about three _years_ and that yeah, he deserved this after all.

“I did preface by saying it was generic advice, but considering you were still walking around with a bride-to-be until earlier this afternoon I figured you needed it.”

“Thank you, sincerely.” Jinki said.

Minho and Jinki sat chatting amongst themselves until Jinki had to keep his promise to bring Minho back to campus for his five o’clock class.

“Gone so soon?” Jonghyun questioned upon seeing the two make their exit.

“I’ve got class,” Minho replied. “Who are you, by the way?”

“ _Jong_ hyun,” he answered, emphasizing the first part of his name that Jinki always left out. “And you are?”

“Minho. Nice to meet you, Jonghyun-hyung.”

“Ssi,” he corrected, knowing he wasn’t particularly picky with honorifics and just wanting to see how the visibly younger, albeit taller, boy would react.

“Huh?”

“I’m 20 years old, 21 in April and you… you don’t look any older than 18.” Jonghyun said, crinkling up his face as though he felt massively disrespected.

Minho slightly bowed in apology, muttering a “sorry Jonghyun-ssi” and it made Jonghyun crack up.

“Yah, stop messing with him. You never seem to mind when _I_ call you by half your name, and we’re not even that close either.” Jinki interjected.

“It’s a joke Jinki-yah~” Jonghyun sang, “besides, we’re close _enough_ , and you’re older than me.”

“How would you know?”

“Unless you’ve come here the past two years in a row to celebrate a _different_ Lee Jinki’s birthday, I’m pretty sure you’ll be 21 in like… what, three weeks?”

At the mention of Jonghyun remembering his birthday, Jinki felt his stomach do Olympic-styled backflips, fighting back a blush as his body swayed side to side in giddy.

“Well,” Minho said, opening the door, “I’ll be outside. If I were you I’d hurry before I drove your car back to campus myself.”

“Oh yeah,” Jinki spoke, snapping back to present day, “alright, let’s get going then. See you, Hyun.” As Jinki headed to follow Minho out the door, Jonghyun’s hand made its way to Jinki’s arm with a grip much firmer than the older had ever expected.

“You haven’t paid,” the shorter boy spoke.

“Thought I was coming back later?” Jinki replied.

At that, it was Jonghyun who blushed.

-

After dropping Minho off back at campus, Jinki made his way to the dorms to find Kibum. Kibum’s living arrangements were weird. Sometimes he slept in the dorms with his roommates, other times he stayed in the apartment his parents had since middle school, upstairs from the Lee family, but most times he stayed at Jinki’s place. Today was just one of those ‘sometimes’ days, so Jinki went along his way to find Key’s room, memory betraying him because it had been so _long_ since he’d had to go there.

 **onew  
** **17:14**

bummieeee

 **onew  
** **17:14**

what’s ur dorm room # again

 **onew  
** **17:14**

and building lol

 **onew  
** **17:15**

^_^

 **bum  
** **17:17**

building 6 rm # 623

 **onew  
** **17:17**

onew Loved “building 6 rm # 623”

 **bum  
** **17:18**

that doesn’t count as a reply

 **onew  
** **17:18**

<3

Jinki made a beeline to building six in search of his best friend, needing desperately to break the news pertaining to, well, _everything_ that had taken place in the last six hours. As he approached Kibum’s dorm, he heard faint noises from the other side of the door. Jinki wasn’t especially overly concerned with the sounds; Kibum knew he was coming over anway. Opening the door and letting himself in, his eyes almost bulged out of his head upon seeing Taemin’s head working its way down Kibum’s chest, Taemin pressing kisses into the surface of it. Kibum’s head was tilted up towards the ceiling in bliss, paying no attention to the man standing in his doorway until Jinki cleared his throat. Even then, the only reaction Kibum gave was a nod towards his general direction; that was until, apparently, Kibum put two and two together and realized _who_ was standing in the doorway, pushing Taemin off of him immediately.

“Jesus _fuck_ Jinki don’t you know how to knock?” Kibum asked, breathless.

“Yes,” Jinki responded, walking in all the way and closing the door behind him, “but don’t _you_ know not to have someone over when you’re expecting company? Also, why is a straight guy going down on you?”

“You’re straight?” Kibum questioned Taemin.

“Not since high school.”

“Oh same.”

“Same,” Jinki replies absently, then realized what Taemin just said in the context of his relationship with Minho and Taemin was what? _What_? Another topic for another time, he thought hazily.

“Taemin I need you to leave,” Jinki said, heading over towards Kibum’s bed.

“How do you know Taemin?” Kibum asked.

“I live here man, I think _you_ need to leave,” Taemin said at the same time Kibum got his question out.

Jinki dragged Kibum up by his arm, leading him out of the room and shutting the door behind them.

“Couldn’t you have at least let me put on a shirt?” Kibum asked, crossing his arms over his chest and looking both ways in mild discomfort.

“I’m single,” Jinki said.

Kibum sputtered in disbelief, jaw dropping to the floor as he asked Jinki for further validation.

“You really broke up with her?”

“Yes,” Jinki said plainly, “also I met this guy who’s Taemin’s best friend who had Hanahaki disease because of him in high school because Taemin is, sorry, _was_ straight and now you’re doing god knows what with the same guy,” he rushed out, ignoring Kibum’s question.

“That’s real?”

“That’s why me and Tiffany broke up.”

“Because of flowers?”

“Do you have anything to contribute to this conversation other than questions? Maybe like, why I had _no_ idea you were with Taemin?”

“He’s new,” Kibum replied sheepishly, moving one of his arms from his chest to scratch behind his head, “I mean. We haven’t been seeing each other for long… and it’s mostly just this. The whole relationship aspect of our ‘relationship’ hasn’t really come into play yet.”

“How long?”

“About two weeks I think?”

Jinki was about to continue the conversation when he felt his phone vibrate with a reminder for his classwork due tomorrow. Looking at the time, he decided it was more important that he kept a promise made to a certain somebody before it got to be too much later.

“Hey, Bum,” Jinki started, “I’ll talk to you later. I’ve gotta be somewhere right now.”

“A hot date or something?” Kibum joked, quirking his eyebrow at the older.

“Says you,” Jinki replied, eyeing the boy’s half naked body, “and kind of? Here’s hoping anyway.”

With that, he turned around with a shy smile creeping on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is literally another 6.1k words.... also i'm making it a chapter longer (so expect another 6k words within the next 2 weeks)...... hope it's been worth the wait so far. truly i feel there's a lot to fill out which is why i didn't wanna just condense it all into this chapter. all loose ends will be tied up by the next (and LAST) chapter! thank u so much, again, for reading. (posted 7/20)


	3. centaurea cyanus

So maybe, just maybe, Jinki thought, returning to the barista not even an hour after leaving wasn’t the best idea. Did it make him look desperate? Absolutely. Did he do it anyways?

Absolutely not.

“Alright Jinki,” he talked himself up on his drive to his apartment, “this is nothing. He’s not gay, there are no feelings to be concerned about, you’re just making another male friend. This is good.”

Despite his best words of reassurance to himself, the shakiness of his hands on the wheel would not subside.

“Relax,” he kept repeating, “just relax. Relax. You’re making new company. This is good. This is much needed. Relax.”

His unsteady behavior only grew as he unlocked the door to his apartment. He stilled himself on his countertop, leaning against it for support and aiming to ease his nerves even if just in the smallest way. Reaching out for his phone, Jinki began to type a text to Kibum before realizing he was probably in the middle of something _important_ right about now, opting to message Minho instead.

 **Lee Jinki  
** **18:19**

Minho it’s Jinki, are you still in class?

 **Choi Minho  
** **18:20**

yeah i’ll be done in ten minutes

Jinki locked his phone and paced across the room, thinking a hundred thoughts a minute. Ten minutes could not have gone by any slower. He made his way to his bedroom, figuring he should change his clothes or something to make himself look more presentable and… Why was this even a concern?

“This is nothing,” Jinki kept repeating to himself, sifting through his closet nonetheless, “nothing nothing nothing. It’s not like I’m _getting_ coffee with him or anything. I’m just visiting his work.”

 **Choi Minho  
** **18:32**

what’s up

Oh thank _god_.

 **Lee Jinki  
** **18:34**

So i’m going to see Jonghyun in a few and i feel.. Weird about it.

 **Choi Minho  
** **18:34**

why?? Aren’t you just paying for our stuff from earlier

 **Lee Jinki  
** **18:35**

Well yes but i’ve known him for three years, kind of, and haven’t really ever gotten to /know/ him. It’s unfamiliar i guess, we’ve never hung out one on one and i don’t know how this will go, even though it’ll probably just be a short exchange at most

 **Choi Minho  
** **18:36**

great, so what’s the real problem

 **Lee Jinki  
** **18:37**

That is the real problem. I don’t know how to act around this guy

 **Choi Minho  
** **18:39**

do you think he’s

 **Choi Minho  
** **18: 39**

y’know

 **Lee Jinki  
** **18:40**

You can say it you know

 **Choi Minho  
** **18:40**

you wont lol

 **Choi Minho  
** **18:42**

do you think he’s /gay/, Jinki

 **Lee Jinki  
** **18:43**

Well no? But how would i know

 **Choi Minho  
** **18:44**

and if you’re just stopping by to pay then what’s the issue anyways????

Honestly, Jinki felt like he was just texting a more passive-aggressive Kibum. He rolled his eyes and locked his phone, tossing it over onto his bed. Somehow, hearing from someone else that this small encounter was really _just_ a small encounter convinced Jinki to not be as worried as he was minutes prior. Feathering his fingers through his hair, he looked himself up and down in the mirror a few times before deciding he looked well enough for this transaction. Jinki grabbed his phone and keys, left his apartment and headed back to his car when he got another text from Minho.

 **Choi Minho  
** **18:53**

get his number though

 **Lee Jinki  
** **18:55**

Why would i do that?

 **Choi Minho  
** **18:55**

well, if he /is/ gay..

 **Lee Jinki  
** **18:56**

That’s the end of this and all conversations

 **Choi Minho  
** **18:57**

well i was Going to say to get it for Me!

 **Choi Minho  
** **18:57**

but you have fun paying off your debt old man

Jinki chuckled lightly at the younger’s text, starting up his car and making his way to the café that he grew so familiar with over the years. Minho was right. The most there was to be worried about was falling short a few cents in paying Jonghyun back.

As he pulled into the café parking lot, he noticed it was dimly lit and nearly empty, save for a couple of cars scattered about.

“Hey,” Jinki said upon entering the building, “what’s with all the inactivity?”  
Jonghyun turned from where he was cleaning the counter to face the dazzling boy before him. “Old man! I thought you wouldn’t show, it’s already so late.” He walked from behind and greeted Jinki with a hug. This was _new_ to say the least.

“Late?” Jinki questioned, after getting out of the semi-awkward embrace, “it’s barely past seven.”

“Oh, well, today’s the manager’s birthday, so we close earlier than usual,” Jonghyun replied simply, moving back to the register, “that’ll be $9.92 please.”

“You’re getting right to it,” Jinki laughed, half easing his nerves by doing so.

“Well of course,” Jonghyun replied easily, “I want to get this transaction over with so we can talk more.”

At that, Jinki’s nerves returned to him all at once, prompting him to stutter out a “pardon?” before, ultimately, forcing his legs forward and extending his hand to pay.

“Well wouldn’t it be foolish to come here at closing just to pay and leave? Besides, we’re not strangers… nor are we super familiar with each other. So let’s meet in the middle.”

Jinki nodded his head inattentively, following Jonghyun as he walked over to Jinki’s usual table. It was then that Jinki noticed that every other table had their chairs stacked.

“Expectant much?” he joked nervously.

“Hopeful, actually.”

Jinki felt his cheeks warm considerably, fighting the blush that would make its home on his cheeks.

“Well, are you sure you want to talk here? It’ll be getting late soon, we could go out somewhere else?”

Jonghyun twisted his face in thought, “yeah, I’m sure. Just for a little bit anyways, since the table’s all set and everything.”

Jinki felt a heat rise in his chest, forcing himself to suppress it as he took his seat across the table from Jonghyun.

“So, old man, tell me something.” Jonghyun spoke, propping his hands beneath his chin.  
“Like?”

“Anything,” Jonghyun shrugged, “what’s your major?”

“Health science, I’m studying to be a psychologist,” Jinki answered easily, almost rehearsed.

“Is it a sincere interest of yours?”

“Well,” Jinki started, “it’s not my first choice? But it pays well, and I could use the extra cash.”

Jonghyun hummed in acknowledgement, not saying anything and Jinki feared he said the _wrong_ thing. “What about you?” he tried to recover.

“Oh, I don’t go to school. I dropped out of high school and got my GED in my second year.” Jinki marveled at the way Jonghyun shared something viewed as a shameful taboo so easily as the younger male continued. “I’m a composer though, in addition to my forever-job here.” Jonghyun added the last part in a way that alluded to gloominess at being perpetually stuck at a coffee shop.

“Do you like what you do?” he asked with sincerity.

“It doesn’t pay well,” Jonghyun said with a smirk, “but yeah, I love it. The composing and singing and all of that. As for the coffee shop, it keeps me above water y’know? I don’t necessarily dislike it, I just want to do _more_. That’s what I’m hoping to accomplish with my music.”

The two spent the night in the coffee shop until it was well after closing, exchanging stories of the past and hopes for the future like they were best friends catching up after a long period of time. The closeness Jinki felt they shared now was almost unparalleled to anything he could’ve said he felt with Tiffany.

It scared him.

“Hey Jinks,” Jonghyun said, alerting Jinki to the nickname Kibum most commonly used for him, “it’s getting pretty late. Don’t health science majors like yourself have a thousand thesis papers to complete every semester?”

“Just one,” Jinki replied with a soft smile, “and I’ve finished it. With my birthday marking the end of the semester, I don’t really look forward to spending it slaving over a paper.”

“So what will you be doing on your birthday?” Jonghyun inquired.

Jinki wanted more than anything for the desperate flush he felt tingling underneath his skin to stay hidden as he mumbled out his answer.

“I’m actually not doing anything, why?”

“Not even coming to the café?” Jonghyun pouted, “I wanted to see you.”

And Jinki _prayed_ he could only hear his heartbeat that loudly because it was his.

“Well of course I’ll come here,” he managed, “it’s tradition, after all.”

“Oh thank god,” Jonghyun sighed out an exaggerated air of relief, “but you really don’t have anything else planned?”

“Not particularly, no.”

Jonghyun hummed in thought before speaking again. “There’s a place by mine that makes the _best_ foreign food. I figure it’d be interesting to see you have something more than a cup of plain green tea. Would you like that?”

Resisting the urge to pinch himself out of what he believed was a dream, Jinki smiled shyly before muttering out an ‘of course,’ accompanied by Jonghyun’s wide grin and sparkly eyes and if the tightness in his chest was anything to go by, Jinki might’ve believed he was falling for Jonghyun more than he had realized. Three years of far away admiration will do that to someone.

It terrified him.

“Here, let me get your phone so I can put my number in.” Jonghyun waited patiently as Jinki fumbled for his phone, almost dropping it to the floor in his clumsiness.

“Are you always this clumsy? Shaky hands can’t be good for the Composed Psychologist image,” Jonghyun joked, tapping his number into Jinki’s phone and taking a selfie, sending the image to himself. “You should make that my contact picture~” he mused, handing the device across the table once more.

Jinki was positive his heavily beating heart could be heard from a mile away, and yet it felt light in his chest all the same.

“Thank you Jonghyun-ah,” Jinki smiled, “I should be heading back to my place now, it’s really late.” he finished, getting up from the table as Jonghyun followed suit.

“Drive safely,” the shorter hummed, walking slightly behind the elder, “and you should call me when you get home~” he finished, making Jinki all the more aware of the seemingly never ending pounding in his chest.

“I will,” Jinki spoke as he reached the door, “you should be getting home soon, too.”

“I don’t know Jinks, I could live here if I wanted to,” Jonghyun replied.

“Why do you say that?” As he was making his way out of the cozy establishment, Jinki turned to face the smaller male in front of him.

“Even though it’s not a very demanding full-time job, I spend so much time here already,” Jonghyun speaks easily, and Jinki swears he imagines the way Jonghyun’s eyes linger on every part of his body as he speaks his next line. “It feels like home.”

-

 **onew  
** **22:58**

are u decent

 **bummie  
** **23:00**

yeah

Jinki wasted no time in video calling Kibum, recounting the events of the night to his best friend who had the sleeping body of Taemin draped on his chest. He made a mental note to ask about that later.

“Sounds like he asked you on a date,” Kibum spoke softly, careful not to wake the younger boy on his chest.

“How many times have we asked each other to go and get food, Key? Were any of those dates?” Jinki asked rhetorically, searching for some actual sense in the nonsense.

“Keep in mind we’re best friends, Jinks. That’s normal behavior. You _just_ started actually talking to him tonight. For the record, neither of asked the other to go get a meal prior to becoming best friends. If someone asks you to get a meal with them the chances are high that person was flirting and wants to date you.”

“Maybe if he were a girl—”

“You wouldn’t be interested.”

Jinki sighed, repositioning himself to lay on his side, exhaustion finally taking its toll.

“Even if it’s not a date, you already said yes to hanging out with him. And if it’s really to advance your friendship, there’s no problem.”

“You always say that,” Jinki groaned.

“And I always end up being right,” Kibum answered in a slightly louder voice, causing Taemin to stir a bit on his chest. “I’m gonna let you go before he wakes up. Goodnight old man.”

“Night Bum… you’ll need to explain that in the morning.” Jinki chuckled sleepily, earning an eye roll and a smile from Kibum before ending the call.

As Jinki was turning his phone off for the night, a text notification alerted him into a more conscious state. He found himself blushing lightly at the cute contact name the boy had saved for himself.

 **jjongie  
** **23:14**

Are you home?

 

Jinki scrolled up slightly to reveal the picture Jonghyun took of himself while they were at the coffee shop, smiling at it before saving it and making it his contact picture as requested.

 

 **old man jinki  
** **23:15**

im home jonghyun ah ^^

 **old man jinki  
** **23:15**

are you?

 **jjongie  
** **23:16**

You had worried me..TT

 **jjongie  
** **23:16**

It’s so late.. ;;

 **jjongie  
** **23:17**

Imagine the terror! I thought my new friend didn’t get home safely…

 

To Jinki, reading ‘my new friend’ made his chest feel things he wasn’t sure he should be feeling.

 

 **old man jinki  
** **23:18**

ah well i’m home.. I’m in bed. tired ;;

 **jjongie  
** **23:19**

Should I let you sleep then~?

 **old man jinki  
** **23:20**

are you not tired?

 **jjongie  
** **23:21**

This is usually when I write, so not really.. but I couldn’t organize my thoughts well enough

 **jjongie  
** **23:21**

For some reason they kept going to you ;;;; You really worried me Jinki-yah

 **old man jinki  
** **23:22**

im so sorry jjongie~~

 **old man jinki  
** **23:22**

how should i make it up to you?

 **jjongie  
** **23:23**

Hmmm…

 **jjongie  
** **23:23**

Thinking.. thinking..

 **jjongie  
** **23:25**

Do you want to come with me to my recording studio?

 

Jinki fought back the urge to immediately reply with ‘i’d love to,’ hoping the twenty extra seconds he took to do so made him seem just a _little_ less eager.

 

 **old man jinki  
** **23:26**

i’d love to ^^

 **jjongie  
** **23:26**

^^ I’m glad.. I’ll meet you at the café? When do you have class tomorrow?

 **old man jinki  
** **23:27**

im actually going up to visit my family until the 7th ;; since exams start earlier this year, i can’t visit them for my birthday.. they’re really upset about that, so i’m taking extra time to see them

 **jjongie  
** **23:27**

Oh what to do ;; A whole week without the Old Man..

 **old man jinki  
** **23:28**

i’ll be back on the 8th! exams start on the 10th… they go until the 13th i think? with my luck, they might go until my birthday ;; i have one class on the 9th and it ends early, so should i come by at 4?

 **jjongie  
** **23:28**

Hmm…

 **jjongie  
** **23:28**

Yes! I’ll schedule work accordingly ^^

 **jjongie  
** **23:29**

Make sure you eat well on your trip~ Text me a lot~~~

 **old man jinki  
** **23:33**

i was falling asleep ;;;; sorry, i am really tired

 **old man jinki  
** **23:33**

i’ll do that jjongie, thank you^^

 **jjongie  
** **23:34**

Rest well :-)

 

Jinki spent the rest of the night, until he fell asleep, thinking about how on earth it was possible for Jonghyun’s cuteness to transfer over into his texting style.

It horrified him.

-

When Jinki was heading back from his trip, his mind was clouded with the thoughts of meeting with Jonghyun. Minho had made sure to text Jinki throughout his trip that his birthday was Jinki’s return date, making it a point that he expected a gift before Christmas, and then another gift _for_ Christmas.

Upon entering class the next day, Jinki was a little more than surprised to see Minho in the seat next to where he usually sat.

“I thought you had this class in the mornings?” Jinki asked, moving to sit next to the boy.

“I mean, I did,” Minho started, “but I knew and got along with little to nobody in that class. I also had no idea Joohyun was here,” he stole a glance to the back of the room at the girl in question, pink coloring the tips of her hair. “You too, of course. So I switched.”

“How do you know her?” Jinki asked.

“I’ve known her since we were little,” he answered, fighting back what seemed like a rather painful cough. Jinki let his eyes wander as Minho further detailed their relationship, feeling a strong pang of guilt in his chest as he eyed Taemin entering the room, remembering his encounter with him and Kibum the past week. For the second the two locked eyes, Taemin held an expression akin to fear. “She’s one of my oldest friends,” Minho finished.

Their conversation came to a gradual halt as class started up, Jinki diligently taking notes on the lecture and jotting down the exam date into the margins of his paper, noting that it was a few days before his birthday and sighing in relief that it didn’t fall _on_ his birthday this year. The way Minho suppressed his coughs throughout the class would’ve made any observant person concerned. Jinki was that person.

“Can we study tonight?” Minho asked roughly, packing up his own notes neatly into his folder as another cough threatened to fall from his throat, “your notes look really detailed and easy to understand.”

“I can’t, I have plans,” Jinki answered, almost distractedly as he eyed the time on his phone. 3:32. He sent a quick text to Jonghyun that class had ended and he’d be over soon, skin warming at the thought of seeing the younger in a more personal setting. He found it impossible to fight the smile that made its way to his face when Jonghyun sent a picture of a cup of green tea in response. Snapping back to reality, he looked up at Minho again. “Besides, you might get me sick with that killer cough of yours, do you have a fever?”

“It’s not that, it’s what I had for breakfast,” Minho replied in an almost rehearsed tone. “I was doing you a favor in trying to keep myself from throwing up. But anyway, how’d everything go with Jonghyun? After your little coffee shop conversation, I mean.”

“Oh uh,” Jinki blushed, will to fight it gone entirely, “I’m on my way to see him now actually. He sings, so he offered to show me his recording studio.”

As the pair exited the room together, Minho took Jinki into a side hug and shook him up, exclaiming his pride in Jinki and also not missing a beat in priding himself for when he said everything would be fine.

“Seriously, Minho, you’re just like Kibum. You two should meet.” Jinki spoke without thinking, almost regretting it after.

“If that statement’s anything to go by I hope you’re saying he’s also into guys, I’ve about had my run with straight boys,” Minho laughed. “What time are you supposed to meet Jonghyun?”

Jinki took notice of how his phone read 3:39 before answering. “In a few minutes, actually. I’ll see you.” He patted himself on the back for keeping the nervous tremble out of his voice as he walked past Minho.

“Have fun old man~” Minho exclaimed, walking in the opposite direction.

Jinki found himself walking back into the classroom to retrieve his charger at his seat, noting that Minho’s held four bright yellow petals. He sighed knowingly at the sight, wrapping the cord up and putting it in his bag before leaving the room again. Jinki was rounding the corner out of the building when he was pulled to the side by a random figure.

“Hey what the h—Taemin?”

“You cannot tell Minho about Kibum and I,” the young boy rushed out, a desperate plea in his eyes.

“Why would I do that?” Jinki asked, confusedly.

“I. I feel so bad. I like Kibum but… but if I _knew_ in _high school_ —” and that was all Taemin got out before he started choking around air, coughing profusely and trying his damndest to keep whatever was in his throat exactly there. But to no avail, the lavender petals left his mouth all at once, fluttering to the floor shamelessly.

Purple hyacinth.

Regret.

“Please don’t tell.”

Jinki fixed his eyes to the floor, the purple contrasting starkly with the white of the university tiles.

“Please.”

He took the younger into a hug, attempting to be as soothing to the younger as Kibum was to himself.

“I think you should tell Kibum about you and Minho,” he offered.

“There’s nothing to tell,” Taemin said, sadness lacing his tone, “it’s all just me and my regret and lost time and—”

“And Minho’s yellow tulips,” Jinki finished, pulling Taemin back and reaching in his pocket to reveal the petals. Taemin’s eyes widened at the scene.

“That’s literally impossible,” he said, eyes transfixed on the all-too-familiar flower bits.

“Close to it, but not impossible. I’ll talk to him, but you need to, too, before you have to get the same surgery he did.”

“But I—”

“There’s a 99% guarantee your feelings will not come back again,” Jinki said sternly, still not losing the softness his voice was eternally tied to, “Minho’s did. By chance. By one percent chance. Your feelings are mutual,” he spoke in a reassuring tone, doing his best to mask the jealousy within him. All odds worked against the two, and they still had the chance to work those same odds in their favor. Glancing at his phone, he saw that he had about ten minutes before he was due to meet Jonghyun. “You have a chance, an extremely high chance,” Jinki continued, “So take it.”

“When should I talk to him?” Taemin asked, desperation in his tone.

“Before it’s too late, whenever that is,” Jinki replied. “I have to leave, but I figure I’ll see you around Key’s dorm room soon enough. Good luck.”

With that, Jinki began to walk off, turning around only to chime out a “Kibum’s polyamorous, by the way,” leaving Taemin flustered in the middle of the hall.

-

Jinki hurried into the café as he saw Jonghyun putting up his apron, standing on his tippy toes to hang it up on the rack.

“Looks like I made it just in time,” the elder chimed from the doorway.

Jonghyun turned around with a happily surprised look in his eyes, beaming at the sight of the slightly worn man in front of him.

“Old man!” he exclaimed excitedly. Clocking out, he walked from around the counter and bid farewell to the barista taking the next shift, swinging an arm around Jinki as the two headed out of the establishment.

“I missed you so much… though it’s a shame you didn’t get your green tea~” Jonghyun mused, arm still around Jinki’s shoulder as they walked out into the parking lot. Jinki had to admit that the feeling was nice, all the more endearing in the fact that Jonghyun had to reach up just that _little_ bit more to keep his arm there due to their height difference. Jonghyun hummed contently as he continued to lead the elder to his car.

“I figure you may not want to stay too late, because of exams, so we’ll leave early enough for you to come back and then drive home and study. Is that okay?” Jonghyun stood expectantly at the passenger’s side of his car, almost too eager to open the door and allow Jinki in. Jinki thought over the prospect of a car ride with Jonghyun, imagining a variety of scenarios that made him warm from the inside out, a heavy weight sitting in his chest as he stood there, nodding his head gleefully nonetheless.

On the ride to Jonghyun’s studio, Jonghyun played music from his first EP, talking excitedly about the songs before they started and waiting patiently for Jinki’s reaction throughout them. Jinki came to notice that Jonghyun tapped his fingers over the wheel at red lights, nodded along to his songs every so often and mumbled out the lyrics as they played through the speakers. His eyes shone with the light of all the stars in the multiverse when Jinki complimented his voice, and for the first time, Jinki almost didn’t feel too bad about being attracted to guys if it meant he could fall for one in the form of Jonghyun.

Almost.

Because for all he knew, Jonghyun was just being a nice guy trying to make up for three years of lost contact.

As they reached their destination, Jonghyun put the CD to a stop and got out of the car, Jinki following suit. They walked up the stairs of the building and Jinki couldn’t help but be slightly puzzled at how it resembled an apartment complex similar to his own.

“Jonghyun-ah,” he started, “you record here?”

Jonghyun flushed a bit, gracing Jinki with a shy smile as he put his key in the lock. “Well… I did say _my_ recording studio…”

Jinki shifted his weight from side to side, unsure if he should intrude upon the other’s living space. Noting his discomfort, Jonghyun turned to face him completely before addressing the situation.

“So, I _do_ record at an actual studio when I’m working on the finished version of songs for another album or EP,” Jonghyun started, “here I work on the song demos. It’s a kind of nonsense system but it helps to organize my thoughts more. Since I’m working on new music now, nothing’s really official? Nevertheless, I need to keep it all somewhere other than my phone,” Jonghyun chuckled deeply, the sound making Jinki’s heart flutter. “If you want, we can go to _the_ studio, the actual studio, and I can play some of the finalized versions of the songs I’ve already worked on. It’s not too far from here, actually.”

Jinki took a while to process the information, running the words to and fro in his head multiple times before deciding upon which course of action to take.

“Here is just fine Jjongie,” he finally answered, using the nickname Jonghyun had gifted himself and not missing how Jonghyun’s tension dripped off his shoulders all at once. The younger smiled a closed-mouth smile briefly before unlocking the door to his apartment and letting Jinki in. He was in awe at the simple yet elegant decor Jonghyun had selected to decorate his living space, tones of black, grey, and white accented by a few drops of color in the form of books and paintings.

“This is really nice,” Jinki mumbled, motioning towards a painting that was hung just above one of many bookshelves. “I take it you read a lot?”

“Every time I get the chance,” Jonghyun said, walking over to Jinki and leading him to a room in the apartment, “come, I want to show you where all my best creations are born~”  
Jinki followed him easily, not letting go of how it felt to have Jonghyun’s hand wrapped around his wrist.

“Ta-da~~!”

It was really a nice space, and Jinki could tell Jonghyun spent the time not only decorating it but constructing it as well, paying attention to the makeshift soundproof padding on the walls and the various instruments packed neatly into their respective corners and cases.

“Right now,” Jonghyun spoke again, heading over to his desk to take some notes from out of it, “I’m working on this. I wrote the draft of the lyrics last night actually…” he seemed to drift off out of a hesitance to reveal the rest of the story, but continued shortly after. “I’ll probably change the words a bit though, but I aim to record the demo for it today.”

“Can I read the lyrics?” Jinki asked tentatively, not knowing how personal they may be and certainly not wanting to overstep his boundaries.

“You can hear them! Once I record it~ I was thinking of new lyrics on the way here though, so I’ll get started on that instead. I’ve worked on the demo for one other song for this album, and you can listen to the original versions of the songs I played in the car too if you like. They’re all right here.” Jonghyun rummaged around his desk drawer and pulled out his USB, plugging it into his laptop and opening the folder that it belonged to.

Jinki took the equipment carefully, extra cautious as to not leave even the faintest scratch on the important object, and plopped himself down on the beanbag chair at the opposite end of the room. “I’m sure I’ll love these as much as I did the first time,” he said gently.

Jonghyun beamed at the praise, turning to his desk and scribbling out the lyrics he had in his head. Plugging in his headphones, Jinki got to listening to the songs, becoming immersed in the beauty that even the rough drafts held. He felt his heart clench as the new song for Jonghyun’s next work started flowing through the tattered wires.

_Extend your arms, wrap them around my neck_

_Move a little lower, massage my shoulders_

_At the end of a tiring day_

_Even if the sun has already come up_

_I’m finally closing my eyes_

Jinki looked up at the younger man from across the room as he sat at his desk scribbling down his next masterpiece. As Jonghyun’s voice continued through his headphones, Jinki thought about how nice it would be to feel that way about someone, and how he wished that someone could be Jonghyun. At the thought of that, the warmth that had been pooling in Jinki’s gut had finally worked its way out of his body in the form of an almost startlingly violent cough. Jonghyun looked up immediately, worry etched harshly into the delicate features of his face. He walked over to Jinki and knelt down, rubbing his back soothingly.

“Are you okay Jinki-yah? Do you have a cold?”

Jinki got up from the beanbag chair on shaky legs, weakness overcoming him at once. “I don’t mean to intrude,” he smiled wearily, “but can I use your restroom?”

“It’s right down the hall,” Jonghyun instructed.

Jinki nodded a thanks, using the wall to steady himself as his stomach churned harshly. When his seemingly never ending journey did finally come to a halt, he collapsed near the toilet. He barely managed to shut the door behind him as he keeled over, dry heaving into the bowl and growing frustrated as nothing came up because the pain in his stomach didn’t dwindle in the slightest and _god_ just what the fuck _was this_. Panting, Jinki sat himself beside the toilet as he gripped his stomach tightly, trying to will the pain away. All at once, his coughing fits returned and he found himself vomiting into the bowl, grimacing at how the contents of his stomach felt foreign and more unwelcoming than what it should typically feel like.

When he looked into the bowl, he realized why.

_“She won’t confess because of her own internalized homophobia, and this fear causes the flowers.”_

_“Ipomoea indica, I think.”_

_“Restricted love.”_

Jinki sat at the bowl with tears running down his face, doing his damndest to muffle the sobs that left his mouth, entirely unaware that Jonghyun was standing on the other side of the door, heart twisting at the sound; entirely unaware that in the time he had been spending with Jonghyun, flowers had grown in his chest, too.

-

When Jinki leaves the bathroom it’s a little past six in the evening, his state slightly better but certainly not a hundred percent.

“Here, Jinki-yah,” Jonghyun offered upon his return, “I made you some tea… though I wasn’t sure when you’d come back out again, so I made it really hot. I hope you don’t mind, it’s not green tea,” he smiled softly, “I didn’t have any, so I made milk tea instead.”

Jinki forces a smile as he accepts the beverage, feeling the pain in his stomach rise once more.

“Hyung,” and that was the first time Jonghyun ever addressed him as such, causing Jinki to look up with intense curiosity in his eyes.

“Mmm?”

“Would you like to stay the night? You’re sick and I don’t think you should be alone… I’d offer to drive you home, because I don’t want you driving either, but I wake up late and will probably make you miss your exam on accident if I don’t come and pick you up on time.”

Jinki stifled a cough around a long sip of the tea, shaking his head as he answered. “Really, Hyun, I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure?” Jonghyun looked at him with those pretty eyes that held all the love and compassion in the world and Jinki felt the full force effects of the flowers again, tickling his throat and threatening to leave his mouth right then and there.

“I’ll be okay, really. Can you drive me back to the university? I can stay at a friend’s dorm tonight, I don’t want to burden you too much.”

Jonghyun looked over the expression on Jinki’s face, the near-desperation and severe sickness that showed in his eyes, before he pulled Jinki up from where he sat and led him out of the apartment, downstairs and to his car. “It’s not too far from the café right? I’ll get you there.”

Jinki mumbled out a thank you, eyes half shut as he texted Kibum.

 **onew  
** **18:29**

i’m coming over

 **bum  
** **18:30**

oh you’re in for a surprise lol

 **bum  
** **18:31**

you know taemin? so apparently he has hanahaki disease for this kid, minho, who was crushing on him severely in high school.

 **bum  
** **18:31**

but get this. minho had the disease for /him/, and only got the surgery because he thought taemin was straight.

 **bum  
** **18:32**

turns out taemin’s… well, obviously not. and sometime within the last month or so he realized he has feelings for minho as well as me.

 **bum  
** **18:33**

but get THIS. minho redeveloped the disease for him again… the same damn flowers! against all odds!

 **bum  
** **18:33**

minho’s cute by the way

 **bum  
** **18:34**

so they’re sobbing in each other’s arms in my dorm. just... a warning before you come over.

 **bum  
** **18:38**

where were you by the way?

 **bum  
** **18:40**

????

 

Unbeknownst to Kibum, Jinki was sitting with his head lolled to the side as he dozed in and out of consciousness in Jonghyun’s car, the exhaustion from coughing up half his body weight catching up to him.

When they reached the campus, Jonghyun gently shook Jinki awake.

“Building six, room 623 right? I tried to bring you as close to it as I could so you wouldn’t have to walk too much. Please be careful,” the snow haired boy spoke softly to the still half-asleep figure in his passenger seat.

“Jinki-yah~~~ Come on, you have to wake up and go to your friend.”

With a few more shakes, Jinki was brought into a more conscious state, exiting the car with a sleepy wave goodbye and a tired grin. Even in his most worn out and distressed state, he still thought Jonghyun was beautiful.

He really wished he didn’t.

The two exchanged goodbyes, Jonghyun sending him off with encouraging words for the next day’s exam and stating he’d be back tomorrow so that he could bring Jinki back to the café to pick up his car before Jinki could protest. Checking his phone as Jonghyun drove off, Jinki laughed tiredly at the drama unfolding in his texts.

 

 **onew  
** **18:48**

so he told u i suppose

 **onew  
** **18:48**

i was at jjong’s by the way

 **bummie  
** **18:49**

you knew????

 **onew  
** **18:50**

hmm... irrelevant. i have news myself

 

Placing his phone in his back pocket, he made a beeline to building six, wasting no time as he knocked on Kibum’s door room. He held back a laugh at the sight of Minho and Taemin literally crying in each other’s arms, neither of them seeming to acknowledge his presence.

“So it looks like these two will become a regular part of my life,” Kibum said, motioning over to the two crybabies on his bed. “What did you need to talk about?”

At that, Jinki’s stomach lurched again, coughs erupting before he could get a word out, the ugly blue flower fluttering from between his lips.

“Holy shit,” Kibum whispered. “Are those for Jonghyun?”

Minho looked up upon hearing that, knowing Kibum could only mean one thing, Taemin following suit as the two boys eyed the puddle of petals Jinki stood in.

“Ipomoea indica,” Minho breathed out, getting up from the bed and walking over to Jinki and Kibum. “Jinki… these are _so_ dangerous. Oh my god.”

“What’s going on?” Taemin asked, confused and out of the loop.

“Taeminnie, the grownups are talking,” Kibum joked, trying to ease the tension Jinki’s flowers had caused.

“Not fair, up until today I was throwing up flowers too. Who are they for hyung?” Taemin directed his question towards Jinki, but it was Kibum who answered again.

“A pretty barista he’s known for three years and just recently started regularly hanging out with. But he’s not out, because he’s scared, so he’s throwing up blue dawn flowers and risking pretty much everything to keep a secret when confession or surgery are opti—”

“I’m not confessing,” Jinki interrupted, “I don’t even know if he’s ‘people like us,’ Kibum.”

“So surgery?” Minho chimed.

“I don’t… want these feelings to go away. So many years I spent, not getting to know what love or anything like it felt like and I don’t want this feeling gone so soon. Not yet.”

Kibum brought the elder into a hug, soothing him in a way only he knew how to do and leaving the other two boys watching awkwardly.

“Can I stay the night?” Jinki asked Kibum, yawning through the question.

“Looks like it’ll be a full house, but yeah, of course.”

“You were supposed to help me study old man,” Minho groaned.

“Both you and I know that the health science exam is a scam. As long as you know your basic terms and how to apply them you’ll be fine.”

“But—”

“Yah, let the old man rest,” Kibum interrupted, “and make room for me on your bed, Taemin-ah.”

“Two hours into our relationship and you’re already bossing me around,” Minho giggled, “how charming.” Kibum felt his cheeks set aflame at the remarks made by the younger boy as he set his own bed for Jinki to rest on.

“Get some sleep and do well on your exam tomorrow,” Kibum cooed gently, pressing a soft kiss to Jinki’s forehead.

“You too,” he replied.

“You too,” Minho and Taemin chimed in unison, snickering after the fact.

Kibum rolled his eyes in what was a fondness towards the two before crawling under the covers with one on either side of him.

Jinki dozed off shortly after, willing his mind to think of anything other than Jonghyun.

-

 **jjongie  
** **08:12**

Good luck on your exam today~ When should I come to bring you to the café?

 

The text woke Jinki up just short of an hour before his exam was set to start, dragging his body out of bed and going through the morning procedures as he got ready for the day.

 

 **old man jinki  
** **08:34**

Thank you Hyun-ah. You don’t need to come over today, I’m still feeling unwell.

 **jjongie  
** **08:35**

Oh… TT poor Jinki-hyung. Okay, I will see you tomorrow then~

 

Except, he didn’t.

Jinki actively spent as much time as he could trying to avoid Jonghyun for fear of the abdominal convulsions returning, letting the days pass by like nothing.

That was until Kibum had returned to the dorm while Jinki was showering and his phone was going crazy.

 

 **jjongie  
** **22:23**

Jinki-yah ;;

 **jjongie  
** **22:23**

Are you okay? Are you still sick?

 **jjongie  
** **22:24**

Instead of going out tomorrow, should I come over?

 **jjongie  
** **22:24**

Aah… so selfish of me. It’s your birthday… but I’m concerned with how I want to spend it with you.

 **jjongie  
** **22:27**

I hope you’re not mad at me hyung TT;;;;;

 **jjongie  
** **22:27**

I’m sorry for worrying so much… please let me know when you’re feeling better, I don’t want you to spend your birthday sick ;;

 **jjongie  
** **22:28**

Rest well Jinkiii~~

 

Kibum let out an angry huff, storming into the bathroom with Jinki’s phone in his hands as the older was getting out of the shower, startled into a scream at the sight of a fuming Kibum.

“Jesus _Christ_ Kibum, don’t you knock?”

“It’s my dorm, asshole,” he bit back.

“What’s with the attitude?”

Kibum thrusted Jinki’s phone towards him aggressively, the older’s eyes widening and lungs tightening at the sight.

“Why are you ignoring him?” Kibum asked, annoyance and anger dripping off his tongue. Such a tone had never been used to speak to Jinki before in all the years of their friendship, and it made Jinki recoil slightly, curling into himself.

“I told you Bummie,” he tried, “I don’t want to risk anything.”

“Are you kidding me?” his voice rose slightly at the end of the sentence, struggling to maintain his composure. “Risk _what_ ? Jinki I,” he took a second to cool off, pinching his nose bridge before continuing. “Look. I’m only annoyed because as your best friend I know just how _long_ you’ve waited for and wanted a relationship with a guy, known just how long you’ve liked Jonghyun, which is longer than you’re willing to recognize, and know just how much it’s killing you to ignore him like this.”

“Ki—”

“You have no reason to be scared of any type of rejection from Jonghyun,” Kibum stated flatly before adjusting his tone to the more lighthearted one Jinki was familiar with. “Besides, is there a single message in these texts that strikes you as straight?”

Jinki let out a sigh of defeat, knowing Kibum would be right like he always is and conceding, promising he’d go over to the café the next day to straighten things out with Jonghyun.

“Can you come with me though?” he asked, drying off his hair. “Only because I’ll be taking your car, but mine’s still at the café so if I went alone I’d be leaving yours there too for however many days.”

“You don’t need me to talk you through the obviously gay vibes Jonghyun will be giving off tomorrow?” Kibum teased, wiggling his eyebrows.

“God no. You’ll just make it more awkward and embarrassing.”

“Keep that energy up and you’re walking,” Kibum laughed, getting ready for his own shower.

Jinki rolled his eyes, making his way to Kibum’s bed and walking past the cuddled up lump of bodies that was Minho and Taemin as he said goodnight to the three.

As much as he didn’t want to, he dreaded tomorrow.

-

Jinki slept in for the first time in three days, thanking whatever gods there were that exams were finally over. Checking his phone, he saw that not only was it well past morning, but that Jonghyun had left him several texts.

His stomach returned to its natural state of churning.

 

 **jjongie  
** **08:00**

Hope you’re feeling better hyung ^^

 **jjongie  
** **08:00**

Happy birthday~ You can drink now! Woohoo!

 **jjongie  
** **08:01**

Though I wouldn’t do so in your condition ;;

 **jjongie  
** **10:13**

[Attachment: 1 Image]

 

Jinki tapped on the download image option, revealing a cup of green tea and a scone with a candle in it.

 

 **jjongie  
** **12:29**

[Attachment: 1 Audio Message]

 

Jinki opted not to play the audio message just yet, knowing what would become of the sheets beneath him if he did so. Making his way to the bathroom, he pressed play and willed himself to relax as much as possible as Jonghyun’s voice came through his phone’s speakers.

 

 _Happy birthday, happy birthday_ _  
_ _I can only say ‘Happy Birthday’_ _  
_ _Happy birthday, happy birthday_  
_You being born is like an endless blessing to me_

 _Oh, listening to_ _  
_ _My voice right now_ _  
_ _Although presents are everything_ _  
_ _this is all I have for you_ _  
_ _In this dizzying world_ _  
_ _The reason I breathe_  
_It’s you_

 

Jinki felt tears well in his eyes, guilt for ignoring Jonghyun pooling in his gut, alongside the burning feeling he had grown all too familiar with, kneeling over the toilet as he threw up baby blue petals once more. He made exceptionally quick time in brushing his teeth, showering and getting dressed, frantically texting Kibum to meet him downstairs in ten minutes or less.

“Café?” Kibum asked breathlessly, having just performed the sprint of his life from the campus cafeteria to his dorm building.

Jinki nodded with a heightened sense of urgency. “Immediately.”

Usually, the ride took fifteen minutes, twenty with bad traffic, but Jinki needed to get there and fast, hiccupping through flower bits as he vented to Kibum. In ten minutes time, he was at the front door, waving goodbye to Kibum and walking in tentatively, fearful of how Jonghyun might take his sudden appearance.

It only took a split second for him to realize the younger was nowhere to be found, heart sinking at the discovery. Jinki turned away, heading towards his car and searching his brain for other places Jonghyun could be. All that came to mind was his apartment, and Jinki had really hoped he was right.

-

After multiple wrong turns, Jinki found himself in a familiar area, parking in a guest spot and walking with a purpose up the steps of Jonghyun’s building, warmly remembering the first time he’d been there. Upon reaching Jonghyun’s door, he knocked a few times and rang the doorbell, eager and nervous all at once. Immediately, he felt his insides turn to ice, his entire body freezing as he realized just what _exactly_ he was doing.

He waited at the doorstep for what seemed like eternity before the door opened slowly. Behind it stood a teary eyed Jonghyun whose expression turned into a mixture of shock, hurt, and excitement upon seeing who stood at his door. Jinki’s heart swelled in his chest and broke all at once at the sight, hesitant to step forward and also wanting nothing more than to take the smaller boy into his arms.

“Hey old man,” Jonghyun smiled through his tears, “I missed you.” He took Jinki’s hand in his own, bringing him into his apartment and hugging him as soon as he shut his door. “I really missed you hyung… I thought you were mad at me. Are you?”

Jinki ignored the tightness of his chest, fighting any and every urge to cough as he held Jonghyun tighter in his arms, squeezing him in attempt to get his feelings through effectively.

“Jjongie,” Jinki mumble-sang, carding his fingers through the smaller boy’s hair. Jonghyun’s immediate shortening of breath didn’t go unnoticed, but Jinki continued with his ministrations. “Jonghyunnie… I missed you, too. I really did.” He felt Jonghyun shudder beneath his touch, seemingly growing uncomfortable at the unfamiliarity at the sudden intimacy. Jinki pulled back, resting his hands on Jonghyun’s shoulders as he looked into his still watery eyes. “Why were you crying?”

Jonghyun laughed sadly, laugh quickly turning into short coughs he did his best to swallow as he answered Jinki’s question. He walked over to the couch to lie down, crying already taking his toll on him. Jinki followed suit.

“You know the funny thing about feelings, Jinks? Romantic feelings?” he sniffled and laughed again, wiping at his nose to keep the tears from mixing. “It seems there’s always some kind of pain involved.”

“I know the feeling, Hyun,” and all at once, Jinki felt small; felt like the same boy he was when he was seventeen years old, scared of the world and himself. Only now, he’s scared of finding out who else Jonghyun is in love with, who else his heart belonged to as Jinki tried desperately to make his heart’s desires known.

“What’s even worse,” Jonghyun said bitterly, “is that I thought this time I had a chance. Foolish right?”

Jinki felt his heart undo itself at the seams, disintegrating and scattering about his chest to be replaced with a hurting hollowness. He let the younger go on for a bit more, until something caught his attention abruptly, words ringing in his ear.

“Those god awful flowers,” he cursed, “I never want to see another cornflower again in my life. Flowers of Hope my ass.” At that, Jonghyun began coughing profusely, sputtering up flowers of a similar shade of blue to Jinki’s own, tinged slightly with blood.

Jinki felt like he was imagining the world around him, hating how awfully he felt about this because what right did he have? After ignoring Jonghyun for so long, how could he feel jealous towards someone he didn’t even know, someone who probably didn’t ignore their feelings out of fear? The jealousy he couldn’t conceal made itself all the more known as Jinki felt his throat constrict, doing his best to stifle the coughs that made every effort to force themselves out of his mouth and failing in the worst possible way. The morning glory flowers he’d grown to hate scattered all over the floor, Jinki nearly sobbing upon their release. Before Jinki could apologize or even say anything, Jonghyun was scrambling to sit upright, eyes wide with shock and something else Jinki could’ve maybe made out to be the hope he was venting about.

“Jinki, you’re… you…”

“I’m sorry,” Jinki spoke sadly, smile making its way to his face as he let tears free fall. There was no point in holding anything back now. “I’ve liked you for so long, for the almost three years I dated Tiffany, there was always you. I didn’t even know you well back then but there was something so… so indisputably charming about you, like a magnet effect, almost, and I was just drawn to you immediately.” He chuckled pathetically, hanging his head low as he continued. “I knew the whole time I liked guys but… I couldn’t. Couldn’t let myself be comfortable with that. And when we broke up, I was relieved, but I was also fearful. It meant I had more time to think about my attraction, and I didn’t want that, because I felt that something like this,” he said, gesturing towards the mess of blue and bile on the floor, “would happen. I know this confession probably doesn’t mean anything. Your heart is made up, it belongs to someone else as mine does to you. At least I can say I got it off my chest, literally.” Jinki laughed at his last choice of words, finding the littlest bit of enjoyment in making light of something so painful for him.

The air around them grew increasingly thick as they sat there in the silence. It was a few moments before either of them spoke or moved; and when one did, it was Jonghyun, moving himself closer to Jinki.

“Hyun?”

Jonghyun brushed off the question, taking Jinki by his side and pulling him down onto the couch so that he lay on top of him. He looked up at Jinki through bleary eyes, only this time the expression he wore was one of bliss and relief.

“Jinki~” he sang out, smiling as tears continued to stream out of his eyes, “Jinki~~~ Oh Jinki. My chest. It feels so much lighter now. I can breathe without feeling petals rustling with each breath I take.”

“I’m not… sure what you mean…” Jinki was confused and envious at the same time. What it must feel like to take a deep breath without vines winding themselves around his ribcage was a feeling Jinki had grown distant from.

“The flowers go away when the feelings are reciprocated, Jinki-yah~”

Jinki held a puzzled look on his face for just a while longer before it all dawned on him, his own moment of shock hitting him with full force.

“ _You’re_ … _you_ ... _me_?” was all Jinki could manage to get out, Jonghyun grinning widely at the bewildered look on his face and nodding his head with certainty.

“Yes, me, you,” he answered, giggling profusely and Jinki felt his stomach do backflips. Only this time, it wasn’t painful.

“Where should we go from here?” Jinki asked as steadily as possible, heart racing and head spinning because there was just no way he wasn’t dreaming all of this.

Jonghyun mumbled out a response shyly, hoping Jinki hadn’t heard it but if the eyes bulging out of his head were anything to go by, that was not the case.

“You want us to be boyfriends?” And the sound of the word was foreign on Jinki’s tongue, but in a way that reminded him of home.

“Is that okay?” Jonghyun asked again, hands now fiddling with the collar of his shirt to release some nervous energy. Jinki lowered his body so that he lay flush against Jonghyun, arms growing tired from supporting all of his weight for so long. He wrapped his arms around Jonghyun’s waist, switching their positions so that Jonghyun was on top of him, making it easier for him to hold onto the smaller boy for fear of him slipping between his fingers.

“That’s perfect.”

The sweet moment was momentarily spoiled as Jinki’s phone went off, signaling a text from Kibum.

 

 **bum  
** **14:30**

[Attachment: 1 Image]

 

Jinki opened the picture to see Kibum, Taemin and Minho all curled in bed together with hot chocolate and sour candies.

 

 **onew  
** **14:31**

what a gross combination of flavor.. ur stomach will hate you for that

 **bum  
** **14:32**

Yeah yeah

 **bum  
** **14:32**

Minho said not to worry about his bday present anymore lol, he said u were basically the reason we got together and that was gift enough

 **bum  
** **14:32**

Speaking of stomachs, how’s yours? Did you talk to Jonghyun?

 

Jinki asked Jonghyun’s permission to take a picture of them to send to Kibum, to which Jonghyun happily obliged, more than thrilled at the idea of ‘his first selfie with his boyfriend.’ His enthusiasm at it all made Jinki blush deeply, grinning widely as he snapped the photo and sent it to Key.

 

 **onew  
** **14:36**

[Attachment: 1 Image] yes ^^

 

Jinki barely had twenty seconds between sending the text and getting a video call notification, which he answered again with Jonghyun’s permission.

“He did it you guys,” Kibum spoke proudly to the boys who were lying next to him.

“ _Finally_ ,” Minho exclaimed, “I thought we were gonna have to wait until Taemin graduated.”

“Why do you say that like we won’t be graduating the same year?”

“You never know, those two skipped years could catch up to you real quick.”

“Hey~” Kibum whined, “I did the same thing! What are you saying Minho-yah?”

“Congrats though hyung~ and happy birthday” Taemin chirped as Kibum and Minho playfully bickered in the background.

“Thank you, thank you,” Jinki said bashfully, his free hand finding purchase in Jonghyun’s hair.

“Happy birthday hyung!” Minho yelled excitedly, taking the phone from Taemin and focusing it on himself. “Look at us! We both got the men of our dreams for our birthdays this year.”

Jinki flushed as he felt Jonghyun giggle against his chest, mumbling out a shy ‘stoppp it’ as he bit back another wide grin.

“You’ve aged another year old man,” Kibum was heard saying from the back, “this year will be better because you can finally be yourself for the first time in your thousand years of life.” And though it was phrased like a joke, Jinki felt every word of sincerity Kibum delivered.

“Thank you all for watching him for so long~” Jonghyun spoke, earning comments on his cute voice and how it was ‘no wonder Jinki fell for him, he sounds like an angel.’

The five of them chatted for a bit more before opting to hang up, Taemin insisting that he, Minho and Kibum were in the middle of a movie marathon that couldn’t be disturbed any longer.

“Your friends are nice,” Jonghyun hummed into Jinki’s chest.

“I know, I’m really lucky,” he spoke, pausing briefly as he gazed down at the boy who laid so comfortably on top of him, “so, so lucky.” When he felt Jonghyun smile against him, he held him just that little bit tighter, relishing in what he could confidently and proudly call his.

-

It’s New Year’s when Jinki has his first real kiss, with his first real boyfriend. He’s just a couple of weeks into being twenty one years old, but he’s certain that nothing in his next several years of life won’t hold a candle to this moment right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for being patient with this work. I've really been going through a lot in terms of motivation and general issues, but your kind words really pushed me to finish. I hope it was worth the wait. Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart.


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